strawberry swing

Parade

2010-11-02T01:27:00.000-07:00

Kalau kamu tidak pergi, tidak akan ada hujan di parade-ku.
Baju-ku tidak akan basah dan tanah itu tidak akan berlumpur dan merekah
Sepatuku tidak perlu terbenam terlalu dalam, meninggalkan bekas kecoklatan di atas celana jeans-ku.

Kalau kamu tidak pergi sayangku, aku sudah pasti tengah berlari riang
mengambil gulali berwarna kemerahan, merengkuhnya jadi satu dalam dekapan
Kemudian kita akan berdebat, tentang apa saja yang melintas di hadapan, kemudian kamu kalah, aku tertawa.
karena kamu tidak akan pernah bisa mematahkan logika-logika ku.

Kalau kamu tinggal sejenak barang lima menit saja sayang, sudah pasti akan kutunjukkan tempat rahasiaku, akan kubagi ranting-ranting mimpiku, dan semua tulisan yang tidak pernah kutunjukkan ke orang lain sebelumnya.
dan kita akan tertawa, kali ini bersama-sama.

Tapi kalau kamu tidak pergi saat parade-ku, aku tidak akan bisa menari selepas ini.
tertawa sebebas ini.

mencintai diriku sebesar hujan yang turun sore itu.

Sudah

2010-10-23T12:46:00.000-07:00

Aku terlalu takut mengakui, bahwa pusaran itu menyeretku makin dalam, terbawa perasaan
Dan kamu terlalu takut untuk mencoba, merengkuh apa yang kita punya, menjadikannya satu bundelan cerita.
Seolah apa yang selalu kita perbincangkan sekilas, cukup membendung semua rasa.
tanpa kamu tahu, aku sudah cukup putus asa.

Aku mau jalan terus, tidak mau terjebak oleh tembok yang tidak bisa kutembus.
Karena tiap kali aku mencoba masuk, kamu belum mengizinkan, tapi juga tidak pernah membiarkan tanganku lepas seutuhnya dari genggaman.
Karena dari semua kelebihan yang orang lain tawarkan, aku selalu jatuh pada kekurangan-kekurangan yang kamu punya, selalu mencoba menyesuaikan.

Kemudian aku bukan lagi aku yang dulu.

Aku adalah bentuk yang kamu mau.

Dan tiap kali wujudku beradaptasi, tiap kali itu pula aku memandangmu tepat di mata, bertanya :
Kapan ini akan berakhir?

Seolah, waktu yang kuberikan tidak terbatas, dan kisah ini belum juga tuntas.

can we stay 'a glance' ?

2010-09-28T11:51:00.000-07:00

i can remember you a glance from the way you lay your head on table while i'm eating my food, or the way you stand silently when i'm having a serious conversation with my friends.

i can remember you a glance, always a glance.

and i wish fingercrossed the ice will melt, sooner or later

2010-09-26T04:39:00.000-07:00

we sit under the same sky, looking at the same star, sharing a cup of coffee from your mouth to mine.
"too sweet" you say softly, mentioning about the coffee. i touch your lips and taste it, shake my head, looking so confused.
"But it is bitter, dear..."

Then i'm babbling around, telling you i should have bought a cup of hot chocolate instead of this, or at least add some sugar cubes, milk, cream, whatever.

"I don't wanna talk about coffee anymore."

i nod.

Keeping my thoughts inside, trying to disregard my words,

things i really want to share with you, day after day.

So i pull your sweater, you take my hand and put it inside your pocket.
i'm wishing secretly you will hold my hand as long as it's still inside your sweater's pocket, but you're too busy with your own narnia.

the world you never let me in, or even touch the key.

i want you to look me in the eye, tell me we're still having 'that' connection, or simply whisper
'i understand about your obsession for picnic getaways,blue hair color, and those kinky headbands you're trying to collect.....and i will take you as you are by the way.'

someday, can we both at least agree that there's nothing wrong with our coffee.
there's nothing wrong with the weather, or your sweater.
someday,

could the kisses turn out greater, even without sugar nor the creamer?

secret heart

2010-09-22T11:15:00.000-07:00

somewhere between the words you whisper, or the heartbeats i tried to discover,
a tiny space of anxiety, trying to ignore the presence of yourself.

i grew up alone, stood here alone, saved my heart alone.
told you, loneliness is my pleasure.

then you offered me a trip, a shiny golden ticket you kept inside your wallet. A little bit tangled, but your eyes told me million stories i'm pretty sure you never shared before.

i'm flattered. but we're in denial.

You swept under the carpet all the girls you ever try to get laid with before, and i dissemble my fear, of being with you or any other guys.

but far before i realized, my hand now is in your hand, you turn your head and ask me falteringly, "do you mind?".

My stomach fell, "i'm in love."
but my eyes swell, feeling horrible because i watered all of your feelings, make it grow longer until entwined my legs and secretly want me to stay.

i swim deep to your eyes, found my face reflected inside them.
i try to compare your heartbeats to mine, found it beats even faster
i try to stick my ears to your mouth, found my name between your daily sentences.

i cry.

setelah dua tahun, aku baru bisa menyadari ini

2010-06-11T08:29:00.000-07:00

Kalau nanti pintu depan sudah kukunci rapat, lalu kamu hanya bisa melihat punggungku melengkung syahdu dan makin menjauh,
Mungkin sudah saatnya kamu kembali ke dalam
Membersihkan lantai yang tadi tidak sengaja kujatuhkan parfum di atasnya.
Hati-hati belingnya bisa menyayat, sapu bersih lalu masukkan ke tong sampah.
Kemudian tidak akan ada lagi aku dan sisa-sisaku dalam ruangan itu

Jangan hirup bau parfumku, aku tidak tau apakah formulanya masih cocok dengan paru-parumu
Aku tau, kamu akan duduk termenung di meja makan,mengaduk-aduk secangkir kopi dingin, berusaha mengeja jejak yang ditinggalkan oleh cicak,
Atau olehku..?

Jangan, hidupku terlalu rumit untuk kau telusuri, fikirku terlalu sulit untuk kau pahami
Kalau kau tetap ngotot untuk menyelami, bisa-bisa 100 tabung oksigen pun tidak akan mampu menghantarmu ke dasar hatiku
Aku bukan untuk dimengerti, bukan untuk dimiliki.
Aku hanya butuh dijaga dan didampingi.

Semuanya luput, salah, hilang dari matamu dan mataku
Segala yang sejak awal sudah di imajikan, mendadak kabur tertelan waktu dan jarak
Tertelan orang lain.

Jangan, jangan sesali apapun yang menjadi alasan aku berkemas pergi
Bukan karena ego-ku terlukai, juga bukan karena kamu kurang mengimbangi
Mungkin sejak awal, kita berdua salah bertukar makna aksara
Mungkin sejak awal, kita berdua tidak memiliki koneksi yang sama
Mungkin sejak awal, kita berdua terlalu memaksa untuk bisa bersama
Mungkin sejak awal,

Seharusnya kita pisah saja.

she's going to

2010-04-01T22:35:00.000-07:00

Eyes meet eyes

And she has the most beautiful smile when she look upon us
She's always wearing her eyeliner, frame her tiny cat eyes
And rose blush on covered her cheeks,blend with her glossy lip

She wears heels properly,bring her creme chanel bag on shoulder
With sleeveless top and high waisted skirt
She's always acting like a gracefully woman, and that is the way she live her life
And she's ready to tell you how much she loves you

She's looking at the mirror once again,make sure her beautiful long wavy hair stay on its place
She's looking so in love,smiling to everyone she doesn't know
Yet still feel nervous

She would try to embrace you,give you warm words everytime you're having your lowest point
She promised she will be the one,and always be the only one
She's going to tell you how much she cares

She's an angel that heaven missed
She's everything a woman wished

But she's not me..

From this place between my converse, short hair, concert tickets and my pride; I will tell you one thing:
My love woke up lately

And it was her who catch yours first

(photo courtesy by Erika Yamaguchi)

boleh aku berputar?

2010-02-28T10:34:00.000-08:00

"...............tapi berlari bukan gaya-ku"

sayup-sayup aku mencoba berkata,tidak peduli dengan hiruk pikuk yang kamu ciptakan di dalam hatiku.
aku sudah terlalu banyak mengabaikan semua rintangan; waktu, kesepian, bahkan isi kepalamu sendiri.
sudah kepalang basah kalau kamu memaksaku mundur sekarang, tidak, aku tidak bisa dan tidak mau mencoba.
mau seberapa jauh lagi kamu melangkah?aku akan tetap ikut, bukan lagi jalan di tempat
karena tidak ada lagi yang bisa menggodaku untuk sedikit berbelok.

rasanya seperti ditempa panas luar biasa, sakit tapi lama lama tidak terasa
atau seperti digambar dengan jarum, jadi sekali namun kemudian rasa ingin makin menjadi;
untuk terus bersama seperti tautan putik dan benang sari.
boleh aku menengok sedikit ke belakang?rasa-rasanya kita belum pergi terlalu jauh, hidupku masih disana, hidupmu juga masih bisa kurasa,
mau seberapa lama lagi kita menunda?aku tidak akan bergeming, ataupun berusaha mengguncangkan jam pasir
karena tidak ada lagi yang bisa kutunggu selain yang ada di depanku ini.

Maka sayang berbaliklah, lihat aku di mata dan katakan kemana tujuan kita,
agar aku tidak terus bertanya tanya, dan lelahku bisa hilang seketika
katakan terus terang dengan senyummu yang biasa, ataukah kini hatimu telah binasa?
sengaja mengikis tanah di belakangmu agar aku pelan-pelan jatuh dan kita akan makin menjauh?
paling tidak pecahkan keheningan,
masalah aku akan jalan ke depan atau kembali ke titik awal, biarkan aku fikirkan dahulu
tapi kini tolong,

pastikan.

(listening to : wonderwall-oasis ; realized that i'm getting sick of write for only one person, i need something more, somebody more, but less drama)

before you go

2010-02-23T08:04:00.000-08:00

so here i am,
standing beneath the stars and between the potteries
i wanna pour my heart out so it would inundate the floor, and intwine your feet with the thin threads
and i will ask you not to go away, derogated every lines i made

i lied,
all these promises that i will move on with my life, well i lied
my own words despoiled happiness which used to be mine, i will obviously save my corneous head just to see you not to see me cry

i told you love, i will be the first one to congratulate you if in case you will find somebody new, i will tell you that i'm happy and super proud of you,
it might sound insipid
and i will retrograde myself

but until it come,
would you mind to share a dance with me,
psycho-analizing me,
love me,

as much as i did for you

rejection

2010-01-27T01:15:00.000-08:00

mark your words, i will remind you later
rewrite on your brain that you left.
left me drown between my own tears and miserable.
mark your behaviour,my dear.
i won't forget.

you can come and show me sweetness,
i can't deny there's still any possibility i could love you again,head over heels.
over and over again,
you can take my heart away,
you can take my pride,

but not my brain.
i'll still remember every little things you done,
every inches of my mind can feel the pain when you torn me into apart.

like Morrissey said, rejection is one thing
but rejection from a fool is cruel

and you're the biggest fool i have ever met.

thanks

2010-01-27T00:32:00.000-08:00

having my three weeks off from college thingy,
i have to wait to see my IP and wish so hard it won't be less than 3.0 because my father would be so mad at me

and i have to say, this three months will be the busiest time on my life,
have to deal with college, my part-time job, my College's cup since i am one of the crew, and volunteer-ing for java jazz festival.

this will be hard,
i will not tell you anything, but thanks for gave so many chances, God
You always knew what i really need, and this time i need to prove myself to my father
that i will be somebody, with my own way
it's such a pleasure to tell You Thanks like this, always.....

my mouth can't say, my heart will

2010-01-26T23:35:00.000-08:00

i really want to tell you the truth,
i really want to be the only one to say;
good luck for your final test,
when you said you're having one today

pardon my ungrammatical words, but i can't be a straight forward person
i did remind myself that we used to be a storiette,
it is no longer what it should be
because it's already sixteen months,and i can't guarantee when will this end

once in these sixteen months you tell me i will be fine,
that's when i got my weakest hypochondria,
you never tell me any love songs, me either
but that day, your care-ness is praiseworthy
you made me fall further, and i failed to unfetter myself,
from you

oh yes i'm tired,
with the silence and uncertainty
you didn't even think to increase the speed
to give me a stable place and a heart to hold on

please let's be honest,
i'm adapting with my new world, you're flirty with others, we both got that.
i'm lying to myself, you're lying to me, we realized that
but i love you still, and you do too.
it doesn't sound fair, but nothing is fair when it comes to love

i really want to write it all over again,
and tell you "just because i'm busy doesn't mean i don't love you"
i will share you my weakest times, so you don't have to wait for cheering me up
and maybe we can learn how to love and to be loved rightly this time

i really want to tell you the truth,
good luck for today

diam yang bukan emas

2010-01-26T10:11:00.001-08:00

kamu diam,
waktu kuajak bicara sopan
rasanya semua pertanyaan sudah berlompatan,tapi tak satupun berkembang jadi pembicaraan
diam,senyum,lalu diam lagi
tidakkah kamu tahu sulitnya aku merangkai kata kalau sudah seperti ini?

lagi lagi kamu diam,
waktu aku meminta adanya keputusan
karena aku mau jalan terus,karena waktu telah memaksaku kembali berputar
kamu masih diam,
bukan iya ataupun tidak yang keluar,
aku kembali duduk,menunggu sampai hening itu terpecah lagi

coba lisankan sayang,
apa,bagaimana,dan juga mengapa.
kata-kataku tidak akan pernah ada habisnya untuk menjawab
dari kalimat terpendek sampai hal sebab-akibat
coba lisankan agar pendengaranku kembali tajam,dan dudukku kembali nyaman
biar angin tidak lagi menarik tanganku untuk keluar

kamu selalu diam,
tapi diam-mu bukanlah emas
diam-mu tanda ketidakpastian,
juga menandakan ketidaksiapan,
untuk menetap dan memberi harapan

hati-hati,
diam-mu sudah merobek hatiku.

don't tell me to stop

2009-12-04T01:26:00.000-08:00

low low low
but don't wanna stop stop stop
low stop low stop
i don't mind the Gap, don't you feel it too?

high high high
let me make it mine mine mine
high is mine high is mine
your un-mainstream ideas, would you share it too?

it is so wrong, i know
but my heart is yearning for so long
so please be nice to me, i wanna feel it a little bit longer.
with somebody who has a stop signal on his forehead

The road it winds, it twists, it turns, oh my stomach burns

2009-12-04T01:17:00.000-08:00

Once again I’ll be the foolish one
Thinking a blink of these lashes would make you come
Don’t you worry, don’t get in a state
I don’t believe in true love anyway
Who’s being pessimistic now
I could document this as our first, as our last row
The more you look forlorn, the more to you I warm.

i wish i didn't wish anything

2009-11-04T07:25:00.000-08:00

four days to go, but i can surely say :
if only i could skip this birthday.

i want nothing, except the sadness to go away
the regretness to not forever stay
the happiness to come my way

i want no cakes; they are too sweet
i want no greetings; they are too fake
i want no surprises; they made me sad

here, have a little taste of my tears
with a lot of drama, do you think i still can make a wish?
do you think i want some gifts?

will you skip the november 8th for me dear Lord?

this heart is a stone

2009-10-23T04:13:00.001-07:00

you worn my mistakes on your neck
so everyone can see that
i'm standing right behind you just to hear they laugh at me
whatever to make you happy

you called me stupid
yelled at me when i sit next to you in the car
i minimized my music player's volume so i can hear you clearly
just to make me grow stronger

you rejected my calls whenever i need to tell you something important
you didn't reply my messages
i walk myself to home,not runaway further,
just to let you know that yes,
i'm here

you said you hate me,
you said that to them who wants to listen,you said that eventhough you know that i might get hurt
i hate you too but i never told you so
because i know you might get hurt too.

maybe you hate me that much
maybe my love and respect to you have gone
but one thing you need to know:
you're the first thing i say in my prayer.
the first thing that i want God to take care of
i already lost one and it leaved me a pain that will never be better

maybe you hate me that much so you don't want to look back at me

but i'll be here,as always

erasure

2009-10-20T01:04:00.000-07:00

this is tacky

sometimes i wish i could get out from the maze
and run to the warmth, that i never been embrace

you see that i lingered on this place
where my voice echoes through the wall and back to my face
please, i know my feet like glued on this space
but can't you listen to me,
"just don't stop my pace"

i inured to the luxury of loneliness
where i can only hear myself whining, and laughing, and trying to save the madness
i'm sorry
no matter how loud you yell at me, i can't hear
i don't wanna hear

you can't dropped the maze's key
and you can't guide me to the exit door
i can dance with the silence
i can move through the dark room

from this far faraway gap,
will you wave me a goodbye?
simply to make me feel the smile
before i discover the maze and spit a kiss on every corner of this place
and start the erasure case

you know me more than i know myself
so don't tightening my belt
i am safer to be with myself

hate is a strong word

2009-10-02T19:41:00.001-07:00

your lack of trust is irritating me,dear father.
when all i want to do is have a shelter to go back,
you don't even give your shoulder for me to cry on.

your words,your curses leaved a wound,father
i don't even know how to dry the blood yet the tears.
i don't even know the way to forgive you.

when i said the truth,you thought i'm lying
when i gave my best,you pushed me away
when i did your wants,you tell me to do more

and today,when you yell at me 'leave!'
you don't know how much i want to walk away.

your mouth sucks,even your heart too.
hate is a strong word,
but i really really really don't like you

ironic

2009-07-28T01:46:00.001-07:00

i love you,
from head,shoulder,knee and toe
it covered me until i'm no longer sensible
to show my own feeling, i think i won't be able

i love you from head
the name of you been pestering into my mind then i ingratiate
though your heart relinquish to stay
i can't tell my brain to just walk away

i love you from shoulder
the differences between us awl me like a shower
and i carried the weight of it from the very beginning
but you told me to keep moving,because the world is still spinning

i love you from knee
no matter how much i down on it,you can't promise me any guarantee
i maybe not a xanthippe
but from now on, i should force myself to stop writhe

i love you from toe
i wrote this apt my due
the hole you left is probably fathomless
the love you gave is finicking,i guess

from head,shoulder,knee,and toe : i love you
but you also tortured me,from head,shoulder,knee,and toe.
now i hate you ;
knee and toe
knee and toe.

i started and you have to write the ending

2009-06-06T01:57:00.001-07:00

i know we both are too tired,
when the words has stopped
through the tick tock clock

i know everything that we missed,
but both too selfish to admit
nothing could determine the vindictive to growth,
the wind whisper that forgiveness will never be expired

maybe you could take a deep breathe,
and i will listen to the grig
singing how a saint can do mistakes
and still easily give an apologize

when you finished,
i'm sure my things have been packed
you only push the button
remove me from your porch and your heart-ground

later when i passed you by
we already have a new path,
you with your sexy damn innocence spoiled little brat,
me with my funny smart one-of-a-kind boy.
and we will sit in the cafe sip the latte,
after it we spit goodbye.
like we never said it before
although it would never be,
painless

wrong,
this is so wrong.
and misplaced.
misjudged.

crawl back to my bed,
grab my blanket
talk to me,
or simply keep it quiet

i know you love me

seharusnya

2009-05-22T09:28:00.001-07:00

aduh kalau saja kamu yang barusan kirim pesan ke handphone-ku.
kalau saja kamu yang tiap malam rajin hubungi aku.
kalau saja kamu yang selalu ada tiap aku sign in messenger.
kalau saja kamu yang ajak aku pergi jumat depan.
kalau saja kamu yang seperti dia,
kalau saja kalau saja kalau saja,
aku memang cuma bisa ber-kalau saja dan semoga kalau sudah menyangkut kamu.
tapi yang ini terlalu nyata sayang,
terlalu nyata sampai sampai bisa kupegang.
tidak seperti kamu yang masih juga transparan.

dia ini yang selalu muncul tiap aku sedang menunggu kamu,
dia ini yang melarangku terlalu lama berkubang dalam azure ray dan memutarkan fall in love milik tortured soul tiap aku dilema.
dia yang tiap malam selalu ada,buat aku sedikit tertawa.

aku tidak mau bohong,teman temanku suka pada dia.
mereka terus ada di belakangku dan bisik bisik agar aku juga suka.
aku tidak mau bohong,
dia baik aku suka.
tapi cukup suka saja.

dia 183senti; terlalu tinggi buat aku.
dia putih ; aku selalu suka coklat.
rambutnya rata,rapi ; aku suka yang berantakan.

tapi senyumnya tulus, selalu buat aku tenang.
bersama dia aku aman,tidak pernah takut merasa akan kehilangan,aku percaya dia akan tetap ada.
tidak seperti kamu.
aku juga suka lihat dia dalam seragam baseball-nya atau waktu ia pakai kaos dan badan atlet-nya sedikit terlihat.
juga waktu dia pegang rokok dan sedikit minum.
biar saja dia nakal,mungkin kamu yang terlalu lurus.

aku kenal dia jauh sebelum kamu kenal aku.
jadi ini bukan pelarian,
dan aku juga tidak mencoba menggantikan kamu.

aku cuma mau peringatkan,
aku bisa jadi tidak sebaik yang kamu inginkan.

waktuku bukan mainan,seharusnya kamu tau.

aduh bodoh

2009-05-22T09:05:00.001-07:00

kalau jalannya sedang terpaku seperti ini,aku lebih baik sendirian.
karena aku juga belum mau putar haluan, atau pindah ke tempat lain, atau pergi dan main tinggal.
seberapa inginnya aku seperti itu aku tidak akan pernah mampu berbuat seperti kamu.
waktu itu aku sudah janji kan,
sekali kamu bisa buat aku jatuh hati,aku tidak akan melihat kemanapun lagi.
tapi apa iya kamu dengan tega-nya seperti ini;
lari kecil menjauh sambil bilang 'sampai jumpa lagi'
seakan akan semua ini aku yang mulai.

kalau sedang perih seperti ini, aku tidak mau menantang bahaya dengan main api.
ibuku mengajarkan aku buat jadi wanita mahal dan susah didapatkan.
ah coba ibuku tahu keadaanku sekarang,
lebih baik aku jadi murahan dan membuat kamu jadi semacam permainan.
lalu pergi.
iya,pergi, dan jangan harap aku akan kembali.

sayangnya kamu baik.
bikin aku jungkir balik.
dan aku tau kamu tidak sengaja.
kamu cuma tidak tau harus berbuat apa.

itu sebabnya aku masih diam disini,
menghitung hitung kapan kamu akan ada lagi.

kalau kalau nanti kamu sudah berani sayang,
tolong kembali ya?
semoga saja hatiku masih tersimpan dalam dalam.
semoga saja perasaanku hanya layu sedikit dan masih bisa disiram.
semoga saja semoga.
sampai letih aku ber-semoga.

jangan lama-lama!

tell him this is what i want

2009-05-03T05:50:00.000-07:00

God,
i really am in love with this man,
i don't even know does he love me back or not
these are what i'm gonna tell him everyday and everynight,
dear God can you record it and repeat on his dreams? ;

i wish you could be my signal fire,
teach me how to waltz and show me how to laugh
i wish you could be my muse,
amaze me with your beauty brain and behaviour.
i wish you could tell me that you love me more than i did.

i wish my decision is right,
leaving you for awhile to make you miss me bad
or somehow you just vanish from my heart
whatever it would be,i wish you will hear what i want you to hear

i wish we could meet later,
i wish you will be a greater lover
i wish you will understand how to make sure your own feeling faster,
i wish you will learn how to love me better,
i wish you will get the idea that loving me is not a disaster,

i wish you will be back
i wish you will remember me, remember us
i wish you could take care of myself
i wish there ain't no other woman
i wish you will spend your life with me

i wish you won't cut your hair, let it grow longer
i wish you will always love blue, because it fits so cute on you
i wish you will never change the way you smile, it feels so sweet on me
i wish you will stay as familiar as you can

i wish we could sit together every saturday night
i wish i could talk to you about everything that i've been through
i wish you will listen to me and touch me everytime i babbling around
i wish you can take control of me and yourself.

i wish you will realize that i'm not a second choice.
i wish you will catch me and leave the other girl.
i wish you will get to know that no one hold you better than me.
i wish you will call.

i wish you will share your times to watch soccer with me-- i can be your mate
i wish you will never touch cigarettes and beer -- you know i can stop
i wish you wanna listen to coldplay,azure ray,tortured soul and the whitest boy alive -- i will take you with me if they make a concert here
i wish you study well for your future -- i know how much you want that prestigious college
i wish you will have a better life

i wish you could see my new kitty -- you'll love ciro as much as i did
i wish we could watch wolverine together -- i wanna show you my favorite gambit
i wish you could take me to a yard and tell me that it's ok to want a picnic getaway
i wish you will tell me when you have to go somewhere -- i only feel fear when you aren't near

i wish we could play the games together -- i know i can beat you dude
i wish we could make a funny expression when we had a webcam conversation
i wish you could treat me well,and i will too,as a bestfriend but more love involve
i wish we could go to the party everyday,and i'll introduce you to my pals as my best partner

i wish our story as perfect as a fairytale.
i wish you weren't you.
i wish 'we' could be true.
amen.

apa lagi?

2009-04-23T03:37:00.001-07:00

tiap hari aku berharap kamu akan menanyakan hal yang sama padaku :
'' apalagi yang mau kamu sesali dari hidupmu? ''

dalam bayanganku, sambil bertanya matamu nanar berlinang airmata.
lalu aku cuma tersenyum simpul, memutar balik semua kejadian dengan ingatanku yang sejernih air di hadapanmu :

karena sayang,
dulu waktu aku masih lugu,kamu banyak main main dengan hatiku.
kalau aku merengek, dengan kejinya kamu tinggalkan aku berkubang dalam dilema.
hatiku serupa kaleng rombeng terlalu sering kamu sayat dan tendang.
tadinya ia terlihat jauh lebih baik dari itu.

karena sayang,
acapkali aku mau main api dengan yang lain kamu kembali cuma buat memadamkan api itu lagi.
kukira kamu menyesal dan mau temani aku lagi, tapi ternyata kamu cuma tidak mau aku pergi.
padahal bayanganmu saja sudah tidak bisa aku cari.

karena sayang,
semakin jauh aku menghindar rasa penasaranmu semakin besar.
aku merasa seperti liliput yang diputar putar dalam bak mandi.
aku pusing,aku mau pulang.

karena sayang,
aku sudah berikan semua yang aku punya,
tapi masih saja kamu berlagak acuh tak acuh,malu malu mau,atau terkadang menolak begitu saja
temanku saja gemas apalagi aku.
kemarin kuhitung sudah dua ratus dua puluh hari sejak kamu datang menjadi penghancur.
kalenderku sudah penuh dilingkar lingkari,

itu semua yang aku sesali

karena sayang.....
perlukah lagi aku jelaskan?

apotheosis

2009-04-21T03:01:00.000-07:00

three hundreds and sixty five,
maybe one hundred and twelve days more than that.
don't force me to remember the date,
having you in my mind now is one thing i regret.

i built a wall around myself and the line is inviolate.
my profligacy, pay no interest for it, i envy your wonderful life ;
how could you had beautiful days after i left?
like you see, your name has never been replaced.
how could you deceived what we've been through?
because for me your smell still magnetize.

there's a boy --only one--, he opiated me more than you can do.
i was ready to give him my deepest heart,
but once you talked to me, his glimmer successfully fade away.

so i patch this tenuous cover upon my heart.
no wonder it was lachrymatory
your lack of lamentation a bit frustrated me
i want to be vicious: for you and your life.
i want to take away everything that you got.
this vindictive dazed me.
the feeling of being obsolescent notch my heart.
but do you remember i can't stay mad at you?
your smile your words hypnotized.
thus how i failed to hurt your untainted life.

and the conversations still pop up.
they echo through my head.
and myself keep told to avoid the avidity.
no i won't let you go.
i'll put you on my azure sky, for now on until our day finally come.

this is my apotheosis, keep in your mind.
i will rest in peace and see you from the ground.

will you?

2009-04-20T01:28:00.000-07:00

I never expected you to love me
The way i loved you
To have you near
Was all
I wanted
Just to have you near
It's funny how you can forget there's a world outside yourself
Where the trees keep growing and the cars keep moving
Without you there
Land it's funny how you can forget there's a world outside yourself
Where the one who loves you keeps on living
Without you there

(The trees keep growing - azure ray)

p.s. did you read this love?

how we used to be

2009-04-16T17:49:00.001-07:00

we are a draft that i could never publish.
we are a story that the writer will never stop to write
i am your harlot,you are my monk,
it always be like that without an ending.

i quit

2009-04-12T19:31:00.001-07:00

so they asked me to go out,
drink uncountable pitchers of beer,and get addict to nicotine,again.
i hate that hectic place, but i had to go,i need to socialized.
then i dressed up and put on my make up.
i didn't ask them about you,i don't care whether you will come or not.
way better if i close my mouth.

they drove me to this place, find a bench and feel the atmosphere.
i started to laugh and make a joke,
but a call interrupted me.

you called her, you say you wanna come.
i stopped.
i miss you but don't wanna see you.
i like you,but you don't even let me to.
i hate you.

one of my girl touch my cheek and a question looks from her face : will you stand the pain?
i said yes,threw away her worry, please don't mind, i'll take care of my own mess.

finally you came, sit in front of me, shared the laughters with friends of mine,
but not with me.
that's more than ok, i like to watch every inches of your face, don't ruin my mood.
i sip another glass and let myself fly even higher.

secret heart,why so mysterious?

the lady sang very nicely,i get into my body again.
then i look at you,you looks out from space.
this is a picture that i want to see from you everytime we meet; i love your messy hair however,i frequently ask my hand to not try to touch your hair, i'm sorry we're not an item.
and will never be.

secret heart,why so mysterious?

i danced with the lady and spit a goodbye kiss to you.
sorry dear,
i quit.

not an obiterdictum

2009-03-19T19:42:00.001-07:00

your massive signal confusing me my dearest Love.
our lack communication is really depressing.
i love you long time, yet i still can't reach you.
where are you when i had my weakest time?
sorry if what i say will break your heart, you know you've broke mine first.
sorry if you can't be true, but the truth -my own feeling- ,about that i keep on telling you.
sorry if i'm leaving you.

i obediently give you million chances, to be honest, this is not what i want.
i am not retrievable,like what you always believe in.
i have my very own frontier,
they, your closest friends, gave me innuendos, much.
as if this is my fault, as if this deterioration is completely because of me.
i got an inkling of it, i like you Love, i won't lie to myself anymore.
i won't lie to you, i madly desire you.
but please,i'm begging now :
i don't care how awkward both of us when we're too close,
stay with me permanently, can you?

until that day finally come, i'll still break your heart.
you'll still burn mine into dust.
break it off,
until we meet again.
you owe me your answer.

ya ya ya

2009-03-17T08:33:00.001-07:00

belum pernah sebelumnya, seseorang menyita waktu dan perhatianku dalam jangka waktu yang cukup lama,
egoku yang tinggi buat aku lebih terkendali.
jarang sekali aku berkawan dengan dilema, atau dilempar ke dalam kubangan airmata.
boleh dibilang,aku yang pegang kuasa.

tapi memang dasar lelaki,
pintarnya ia sampai bisa menembus pintuku yang sudah dipaku rapat rapat.
besi pintuku meleleh pelan pelan waktu ia memberikan senyum malu-malunya.
dasar wanita,
mudah tergoda sama yang halus halus,
lembut sedikit,langsung terhanyut.
kata katanya manis, dan tidak terasa menyakitkan.
tiap kali ia datang, tubuhku rasanya ringan.
susah payah kupasang wajah dingin seakan tidak peduli pada perasaan.

aku takut ditinggal sendirian,
kalau kalau nanti dia bosan atau ketemu yang lebih menantang,aku dikemanakan?
aku tidak mau lagi lagi dikebelakangkan.
nanti aku bisa marah sampai sampai setetes air jatuh dari mata.
aku sendiri tidak akan sadar aku marah karena dia atau karena menyadari betapa lemahnya aku.

orang bilang, tidak apa, nantinya juga tidak akan terasa

lalu lagi-lagi aku ketakutan,
bagaimana kalau nanti lukanya setengah kering,tapi ia datang lagi?
niatnya aku tidak mau bergeming dan buka pintu,
tapi aku yakin, Tuhan juga akan luluh kalau lihat senyumnya.
sudut matanya naik lima belas derajat dan tanpa memamerkan gigi sama sekali.
belum lagi cara jalannya yang sedikit berjingkat,
ataupun tawa lebarnya kalau sudah berkumpul dengan teman teman.
atau wajah kosongnya yang sering kulihat waktu ia duduk sendirian.
aku hafal semua raut mukanya.
sungguh belum pernah seseorang memaksaku untuk terus mengamati setiap jengkal tubuh dan ekspresinya tanpa sadar.
dalam diam aku mengumpulkan kepingan kepingan kasih yang ia lontarkan,
lalu kususun satu persatu seperti puzzle,
ia berjalan lambat dan penuh perhitungan.

ia orang pertama yang berhasil buat aku hampir mati penasaran.
dibuatnya aku menderita,menguji kesabaran.
belum pernah sebelumnya,
seseorang buat aku begini kebingungan dalam waktu lima bulan.

terima kasih sayang.

i'll give you million chances

2009-03-13T08:28:00.001-07:00

hello there sweetheart,three seats beside me.
i am no longer laughing ;
you made a distance between us,
you made me feel the emptiness,
you made me can't concentrate.
you had my senses.

there's a time you let go of my hand,
and just like others said ''the more i try to erase you,the more you are appear''
you conduct such a good manner, you made me falling.
you had my everything.
i gave you another chance.

now i'm wondering ,
will you say 'hello lady' and give me your biggest smile?
will you?
will you?
will you?
you will.
(i wish)

kurang seperempat

2009-03-04T16:33:00.001-08:00

terus saja tiap malam kamu muncul,
bikin aku susah tidur.
balik kanan kiri,
kepikiran,aku tidak mengerti.

kamu terus tarik dan ulur,
sudah 32 meter aku ukur,
tanganku sakit,
hatiku rumit.

pelan pelan sayang,
biar hatiku saja yang berfikir.
apa boleh kamu kuberi kesempatan lagi,
sementara hatiku sudah habis kamu curi.

sudah jangan cari aku dulu,
biar aku sendiri gelap-gelapan.
nanti juga kalau aku tenang,
aku cari kamu sampai ketemu.

pelan pelan sayang,
kasih aku kesempatan,
biar aku pulih sedikit,
sebelum memutuskan kembali atau pergi saja.

tenang saja,
hatiku masih milikmu tiga perempatnya.

cepat sembuh ya sayang

2009-03-03T21:41:00.001-08:00

biasanya dia yang membuat aku tertawa riang,
saat saat aku disakiti dulu, ia selalu ada memberi dukungan.
mendoakan.
itu sebabnya aku sayang sekali sama dia.

sekarang dia duduk di depanku,
rambutnya berantakan, matanya sembab sembab.
ia bilang ia menangis semalaman.
orang yang dulu dibela bela di hadapanku,kini berubah jadi tidak menyenangkan.
sabar sabar dia bertahan,akhirnya tidak kuat menahan beban.
lalu akhirnya pun jadi seperti ini ;
lubang lubang luka yang dulu pernah ditambal,
ditinggalkan menganga.
sudahlah kawan,tidak usah lagi membelanya.
jangan kamu sembunyikan lagi airmata.
sudah cukup, tidak perlu mengiba iba.
anggap saja orang itu tidak pernah ada.

temanku ini cuma menggeleng.
padahal aku sudah bilang,
rasa sayangnya jangan disayang sayang.
jangan ditimang terus terusan.
biarkan jatuh sedikit,
nanti akan datang yang terbaik.
temanku ini diam,
tapi tidak mengiyakan.

kusuruh ia berkaca, melihat bayangannya.
disitu aku tidak hanya melihat dia,
tapi juga bayanganku dan bayangan semuanya,
yang jelas pernah seperti dia.
bayangan bayangan itu membaur jadi satu,
begitu sendu, begitu blur.

jangan sedih kawan,
nanti juga akan kamu temukan,
alasan alasan mengapa kamu dibuat demikian.
nanti juga kamu bisa tertawakan,
kalau kalau beberapa tahun lagi kamu sudah bisa melupakan.
sekarang ini aku akan mendengarkan,
tapi ingat,
cepat sembuh ya sayang!

boleh dong aku minta begini

2009-02-28T22:54:00.001-08:00

ia ada di sampingku.
menjulang tinggi seperti biasa,
jarak kepalaku dan kepalanya terpaut lima belas senti,
atau mungkin lebih,entahlah aku sudah lupa.
yang pasti, ruangan terasa hampa tanpa keberadaannya.

tubuhnya masih menguarkan harum yang sama, seperti kue vanilla.
sangat menggoda.
wangi itu ada dimana mana,
di balik jaket, di sela rambut, bahkan di antara jari jarinya.
ah lama lama aku bisa anoreksia jika terus terusan bersama dia.

jejak jejak tubuhnya masih dapat kucecap.
entah di lidah maupun otak,
tiap mili dapat merasakan,
manis,asin,asam,ataupun pahit.
tutup semua inderaku,berani taruhan aku bisa menunjuk tempat dimana ia sedang berdiri.
aku mengenal ia sebaik aku mengenal diriku sendiri.

makanya,jangan pergi ya?

sama sama beda

2009-02-27T07:49:00.001-08:00

boleh jadi aku bukan siapa siapa,
karena dengan entengnya kamu pegang tangan orang kanan kiri,
atau cerita padaku tadi malam kamu pergi dengan siapa.
boleh jadi kamu lupa status kita.
atau sekarang sudah tidak ada lagi rasanya,
sampai sampai kamu tidak lagi menganggap aku ada.
biar begitu pun aku tidak bisa pergi begitu saja,
semua makian dari kamu sayang, aku simpan dalam dalam.
suatu saat nanti aku yakin kamu tidak akan pernah mengeluarkannya lagi,
lalu aku akan membuang makian itu jauh jauh sampai tidak lagi dapat dipandang.
sekarang aku akan diam.

bagiku kamu nakal,tapi bagimu aku yang nakal.
aku salah kamu salah lalu siapa yang bisa membenarkan?
kapan kita bisa saling belajar mendengarkan dan memaafkan?
kamu tahu sayang,aku mau berubah,
bisakah bilang padaku kamu juga akan melakukan yang sama?
maju mundur maju terus seperti itu.
maki peluk maki terus saja begitu.
tanpa sadar aku dan kamu berputar-putar dalam lingkaran yang sama.

sekarang maukah kamu katakan padaku :
hapus lingkarannya dan buat garis yang lurus,
atau
terus berjalan di jalan yang sama berulang ulang?

?

2009-02-24T12:31:00.000-08:00

kadang kadang iri rasanya, duduk di sebelah orang yang punya otak cemerlang.
kimia gampang,fisika simpel,matematika seru,dan biologi menyenangkan.
setiap pelajaran terasa mudah saat dia mulai mengerjakan.
dia tidak tahu betapa aku harus memutar otak untuk mengingat hukum wein atau hukum proust atau integral atau kegunaan echinodermata.

kadang kadang rasanya aku mau menukar apa saja yang aku punya asal bisa seperti dia.
bisa buat ayahku bangga, bisa buat ibuku tertawa.
bisa masuk fakultas kedokteran dan buat semua orang bahagia.

aku sudah berusaha sekuat yang aku bisa,
tapi kenapa aku tidak mampu seperti mereka?

pertama kedua ketiga

2009-02-24T10:09:00.001-08:00

malam ini diantara hafalan hafalan tentang benzena dan etanol,
ingatanku memunculkan kembali tiga orang yang pernah kusayang.
begitu besarnya rasaku sampai sampai aku tidak bisa mengurutkan siapa yang paling kuingat.

yang pertama sudah buat aku tiga tahun tetap terjaga ;
kata-katanya yang cerdas buat aku bingung menjawab semua pertanyaan dan pernyataannya.
wajar saja, dia tiga tahun lebih tua.
awalnya aku paling sayang sama dia, bagaimanapun juga dia orang pertama yang bisa mengalahkanku dalam perdebatan.
ego-ku kalah tapi tidak marahan.
ini dia yang orang bilang cinta itu tidak punya logika,
yang biasanya setajam pedang tiba tiba tumpul,sembunyi dalam kandang.
tiga tahun aku memegangi dia,takut dilepaskan.
tapi akhirnya aku lepas juga, dia pantas dapat yang baru.
begitu juga aku.

ini dia yang kedua ;
yang buat aku tertawa waktu lagi sedih sedihnya sama yang pertama.
tiap malam dia dengarkan aku bicara, temani aku sampai aku berhenti merajuk.
yang ini buat aku nyaman, saking nyamannya sampai aku lupa menjaga dia.
waktu aku lagi jauh, pintunya lupa kututup.
dia kabur entah kemana, tergiur dengan santapan di lain kota.
ah, dia buat aku tertawa,tapi tetap saja sia sia.

aku menunggu cukup lama sampai bisa menangkap yang ketiga ;
awalnya juga aku tidak pernah sadar dia ada,
sampai waktu ia dibawa bawa temanku,lalu berhasil buat aku kagum sekali.
semua percakapannya aku simpan dalam dalam, aku tidak mau kehilangan dia seperti waktu yang pertama dan kedua.
tapi dia memang tidak bisa dipegang.
lari kesana sini buat aku kebingungan,
aku kira dia yang paling kusayang,
aku kira aku yang paling dia sayang,
aku diajak melayang layang terus dihempas ke atas karang.
sakitnya kawan,
bukan kepalang.
yang ini paling singkat tapi paling menyakitkan.

tiga-tiganya ingin kuurutkan lalu kupilih yang mana yang layak dapat dua kesempatan,yang mana yang pantas masuk pembuangan.

kalau aku masih sayang sama yang ketiga,lalu aku harus bagaimana?

bye.

2009-02-23T18:19:00.000-08:00

i will be very busy this week.
please understand i won't write anything thus i could study better.
i want this med faculty so much,do pray for me pals :D

i promised to my step mom i won't use internet,except for read the jakarta post and kompas online,also to read my inbox.
bye virtual accounts :D

alasan

2009-02-23T16:40:00.001-08:00

tadi malam kamu berdiri di teras rumahku,
lama sekali.
sampai sampai waktu aku tetap tidak mau keluar,satpamku melapor memohon mohon agar aku mau menemuimu.
apa boleh buat,
memang benar aku tidak bisa jahat.

tadi malam kamu bilang mau pergi,
jauh sekali.
tidak tahu kapan bisa bertandang lagi,
atau menghabiskan waktu bersama lagi.
kamu pamit, bilang selamat tinggal buat selamanya.
aku mengangguk, kamu heran.
memangnya aku harus bilang apa?

aku mau masuk, tapi pintunya kamu tahan dengan kaki.
aku tanya mengapa, kamu balik tanya mengapa.
aku bingung.
kamu meneliti airmuka-ku dengan sangat cermat.
tapi tidak juga kamu temukan setitik kesedihan di sana.

kamu meraung pelan, ''Mengapa?''

karena sayang, aku tidak mau mengekang kamu.
karena aku juga tidak mau menangis sia sia.
karena orangtuaku bakal marah kalau aku menangis cuma gara-gara kamu.
karena kamu bukan yang terbaik untukku.

wajahmu terlihat seperti habis dipukul,
sungguh aku jadi tidak enak.
tapi sayang,aku tidak suka kamu sama-samakan.
apalagi dengan wanita wanita lain yang juga pernah kamu jadikan korban.

yang jalannya dibuat-buat, yang kalau foto mukanya sok eksotis seperti model, yang otaknya kosong berisi make-up, yang hobinya genit genit sama orang orang, yang suka pamer kaki jenjang dengan rok mini dan hak tinggi.

tidak sayang, aku tidak suka.
karena jalanku tidak dibuat buat, begitu juga pose-ku, otakku juga tidak hanya diisi make-up.
bergenit-genit?
kayak aku bisa saja.

sepatu hak tinggiku bukan buat pamer jenjangnya kaki.
aku pakai agar bisa terlihat sejajar dengan para laki-laki.
untuk menunjukkan kalau wanita sudah pantas dinilai sama.

sekarang mengerti kan kenapa aku tidak suka disamakan dengan dia?

kamu bikin aku marah,
sudah sudah,pergi sana.

i yiss mou

2009-02-23T07:08:00.001-08:00

there you are,
standing in the corner of my blistering mind.
you stand so close to me.
it won't happen in my real life,
sorry.

pardon my weakness,dear.
i should make a distance.
i should do anything to keep my mind busy.
i should force your tiny figure inside my mind,out from my sanity.
i don't want to lie to you,nor myself.

but this is my lowest point,
however i miss you.
i skipped my days, stay at home and curse my stupidity.
you seems so far,i can't stand it.
i wanna see you.

i activated all of my virtual accounts.
i tried to find you,
but you didn't appear anywhere.
i kept my mind busy,read those online newspapers,talk to another pals, browse some photos.
that's so futile.
you were never there.

i gave up,
i'm signing out.

hambar

2009-02-21T07:10:00.001-08:00

rasanya makin samar.
boleh kamu tanya mauku apa.
aku sendiri juga tidak tahu,
sungguh.
kalau kamu bisa membaca hatiku,silahkan lakukan, tidak akan lagi ada rasa keberatan.
bilang padaku,apa yang hatiku fikirkan,
mengapa rasanya hambar?

dulu-dulu waktu masih ada kamu,
hatiku lebih aktif dari otakku.
terus bicara ribuan kata per detik,
sampai bosan kusuruh ia diam.
jembatan yang menghubungkan hati dan otakku telah diputuskan,
walaupun otak menjerit tidak mau di hibernasikan.

boleh kutanya sekarang mengapa?
sejak kamu jauh,hatiku jadi batu.
ada yang lebih baikpun ia tidak mau luluh,
mau kupukul,tapi takut hancur.
serba salah.
atau aku saja yang salah?

tidak disangka,otak juga menolak bekerja sama.
sejak kamu jauh sayang, dua duanya kehilangan lima indera.
atau enam termasuk kamu.
kasihani aku, sudah tidak punya hati,masih ditambah otakku menghilang.
tanyakan pada orang orang,dimana aku bisa mendapatkan keduanya?

rasanya masih samar.
sesamar peringatan yang hatiku berikan.
ia bilang, ia minta keadilan.
kubilang,minta saja pada kamu.
siapa suruh main tinggal begitu saja,
yang salah siapa, kenapa aku yang diboikot?
jangankan mereka, aku saja tidak tahu sekarang kamu mau bagaimana.
jauh-dekat tidak ada rasanya.
lebih baik aku di rumah menutup mata,daripada keluar lalu main main dengan perasaan lagi.
boleh jadi sekarang rasanya makin samar samar.

samar,
ditampar,

tetap hambar.

captured

2009-02-18T23:56:00.000-08:00

you captured me,
every angles,
you got my best angle.
and now i'm capturing you.

don't blink your eyes,
don't move.
i want it to be perfectly fine,no blurry,no red eye.
i want to embrace the traces of your face, deep down in my mind.
i wanna take you as much as i can.
don't lie,
the camera won't.
i know the love has gone,say no word,a picture means a thousand words.

you take a deep breathe,turning on your computer.
maybe you didn't realized,i am standing beside you.
maybe you can't see me,maybe you won't care eventhough i'm here.

i want you to listen to my favorite song, i want you to elucidate it,

when you love someone but it goes to waste,
could it be worse?

value my obstinacy.
i'm no longer crying,
i am heartless but not brainless.
i can see it clearly from your point of view,
i am capturing you.
i am taking you as much as my hand could do.
i am capturing you, Love.

lights will guide you home,and ignite your bones.
and i will try, to fix you.

i let your fingers dancing above the keyboard and touch the mouse,
my song has stopped.
right click,
cut,
i've been deleted.

reluctance

2009-02-15T03:51:00.001-08:00

you draw me sketch.
you make dots inside my book, tell me to change it into lines.
but when i changed it, you rip it into pieces.
i'm so mad.
when i speak my heart out,you answer it easily.
''you want me to be honest,this is what i feel''
i can say no words.
i was lost.

you loved my writings.
you read my notes everytime i post it right away,
now i don't think that you're still check it out,
i don't think that you're still want to remember me.
you told me the truth,
but i keep write this for you.
because you said you love my words.

there's too much questions inside my mind,
why?
how could?
who else?
what should i do?
i have many words but i can't explain.
take me as i am.
love me as much as i love you.
love me like you love my words.
take me as i am.

all these times, i wish you want to do what i want :
come here,i want you to see what i see;
call me,i want you to hear my story;
ask me about my day,i want to share what's on my mind;
God knows i really wish for it.
but you never come,you never call,you never ask.

(so I look in your direction,
but you pay me no attention,
and you know how much I need you
but you never even see me)

boleh ya?

2009-02-08T07:21:00.001-08:00

saat ini kamu memang labil,
sedang bingung mau kemana,dengan siapa,dan pakai baju apa.
aku mungkin sudah membosankan,atau sudah terasa seperti beras lama?
sampai sampai seujung kuku-pun kamu tidak mau menyentuhku.
tidak apa apa sayangku,
aku masih mau menunggu.

saat ini kamu memang sedang ceria,
lirik kanan kiri tebar tebar pesona,
aku yang tersedia ditelantarkan di halaman depan,
sampai masuk angin lalu muntah muntah.
antara mau menangis antara mau tertawa.
untungnya aku masih bisa menunggu.

beberapa kali kamu mengintip keluar jendela,mengusirku pergi,
kadang kadang kamu suruh satpam-mu,lalu pembantu-mu yang malu malu.
kadang kadang aku ingin pergi saja,pasrah.
apalagi tiap kali kamu bawa perempuan baru,
yang lebih pendek roknya,yang lebih panjang rambutnya,yang senyumnya lebih menawan.
aku kedinginan,menggigil.
bukan,bukan karena hawa malam menggigit tulang.
aku cuma tidak kuat membayangkan,kasihan anjingmu bingung mengenali wanita yang mana yang harus ia sapa.
ah peduli setan,toh anjingmu tetap paling sayang sama aku.
dia masih sering bisik bisik soal pertengkaranmu,
aduh aku munafik kalau bilang aku tidak bahagia.
ayo sini jalang berambut panjang dan senyum menawan,
aku mau tukar tempat denganmu.
kamu masih muda kok,masih banyak yang mau.
tapi jangan ambil lelaki-ku ya?
sini cantik,kubawakan tas kamu,
kurapikan eyeliner dan rambutmu.
kuantarkan ke tempat paling seru di kota dengan kereta merah jambu,
tapi janji ya jangan godai dia?

aku cuma mau ambil sayangku lagi,itu saja kok.

kalau begini terus,lama lama....

2009-02-07T19:48:00.001-08:00

kalau kamu terus begini,
aku nggak mau lagi peduli.
semua sayangku dilepeh mentah mentah
dan kata kataku kamu usir jauh jauh.
aku lebih baik sembunyi dalam selimut,menunggu kamu baik kembali

kalau kamu terus begini sayangku,
aku jadi menyalahkan diri sendiri,
aku takut aku bikin kamu marah,
atau sedih
atau kecewa,
tapi kamu cuma diam saja.

kalau kamu terus begini,
aku jadi ingin diam diam pergi.
buka pintu tanpa suara,
lalu lompat lompat menjauh dari sana.

sayangnya aku nggak pernah tega.

journalist ;(

2009-01-30T05:56:00.000-08:00

i introductory your own dream dad,
to be what you want,without thinking about what i wanna do in life,
you know i have a passion on writing,
i want to be a journalist,you make it impossible for me.
now i don't even dare to think that there's still a possibility i could reach my deepest obsession, you sinked my dream.
you shattered it into pieces and burn it inside the ground,
i'm trying,read those fucking asshole books,learn about chemist,and those fucking subjects.
BUT YOU NEVER CARE!
i'm getting weak every night,i'm sleepless,i don't have enough time for myself.
you don't understand that,you cursed me,you pushed me.
i'm mentally hurted by you,
but what can i do?you are my dad,no matter what you did.

so then i rip my dream,picture myself as a great journalist for the last time,
i'll be your puppet.

my inobservance,bring your amnesty

2009-01-29T06:42:00.000-08:00

i'm sorry,
all these times,i keep you as my ego-booster,i love you please don't revoke the band-aid you've stick to my heart.
you fixed it silently,when i'm busy pissing you out, reopen the mistakes that you did very long time ago,but no matter how annoying i push you aside, you never let your pressure out.
i will whisper billions of sorry to expiate my sins to you thuswise we will make it even clearer.

no,
you don't have to be my soulmate,i'm not good enough.
you better have a steady relationship,but not with me.
no,
i don't wanna make you as my ego booster anymore,i made your shiny eyes rotten slowly,rough and tumble.
we make this up,later on,not now.
i packed my bag and those stuffs i have,i left you a note behind your pillows.
you tried to neutralize my own feeling,but i'm guilty,disgust with my horrible behaviour.
no,
don't try to terminate me.
if you love me,you gotta let me go.

i imagined myself as one of those shameless actresses who could act well and yell love word every millisecond.
i rolled my eyes and giggle when i realized,i start to blabbering around.
i lost my utopia,my muse,you.
i despised you whenever we met,don't get me wrong,i realized your crystal eye,can't you see the tears streaming down on my cheek?
you don't need to see that.
introductory your feeling please,spit your anger out,i deserve that.
i am your eyesore,but you never recognize it out loud.
i analyzed your eyes,you close it tight,
why don't you let me being a true harlot?
light up your grudge,
kill me,kill me with bare hand.

i touch your delicate fingertip, beg for your amnesty.
i amputated my brain,so the desire to hurt you won't flash through my mind again.
your nucleus is your broad minded,i love you,consider myself never heard your obiterdictums.
i am ingratiate.
i love you Love.

it's you

2009-01-29T00:26:00.001-08:00

you hate japanese foods,i remember that.
you smoked almost a pack a day.
you tangled your hair everytime you run,
you like to smile.
you talked to me every saturday night,tell me how bored you are.
you are inside my wallet,
inside my old room,
inside my cellphone,
inside my friend's house,
beside me when i fall asleep at school,
behind me when i walk alone.
you are in that cinema,
you are in that website,
in that cafe,
in that public place,
inside my heart

i like the way you answer my questions,from the best one until the unimportant.
or simply when we play our game,you tell me a song lyric,and i guess who's the singer.
i like the way you mad at me,when i'm hiding something from you,
the way you ask about my day,
the way we talk during the film,until my friend told me to keep away the phone and watch the film without talk with you,

i love to talk,and you listen to me,every single words.
you remember everything i said,
you made me fall in love over and over again,
that's why i'll never hate you,
that's why i can't get over you.

p.s. can i keep you as my best memory?

trust

2009-01-27T04:40:00.001-08:00

human supposed to be a damn selfish creature.
when God gave us life, we want it to be happy ever after.
when He gave us love, we want it to be ours forever.
when He let us to choose what we want, we always want to be a winner.

when He wants us to lose, we cry out loud,screaming about how unfair He is.
when He gave us second chances, we're back to the devil's path.
when He took back what we have, we cursed at Him,we criticized him.
but when He gave us a new thing to keep,sometimes we forget to take care of it,we neglected it.

most of the times,we hear what the devils said.
but when devil messed up with our life,
they laugh and say :
'human,in God we trust'

now human, because we're selfish,we keep in the cycle.
i will still be a harlot and you are the whore.
eventhough deep down inside we know,
in God we should trust.

letter i kept in mind silently

2009-01-25T08:12:00.000-08:00

for those who fully understand my unstable condition during the recovery times,
they won't mind about my rude writing.

you are pathetic,you made me pathetic.
you are the beauty in a breakdown i wish i could see everytime i cry.
i want to embrace,to sniff your smell,oh but you smell like another woman.
no,no,please stay away.
(you fucker for letting me wait for your simple words...it never been spoken by you)

i gave you my universe,
you are the proton and i am the neutron.
we fulfilled each other,
but lately no.
you laugh, i cry.
you blush, i cry.
i wonder if i could ever slap you in face whenever you go out with her.
(you fucker for ruined my own universe and let me drown even deeper)

i am scorpio,the most mysterious sign.
and you?
you are one of those signs,that change their mind everytime and always talk squirmly.
oh people,you decide,what sign it is.
(you fucker for being that sign and hurt scorpio)

i am vicious,but you victimized me.
so who is the vicious here?
i vindicated that you are.
and anyway,please look back,you take a half of me when you go.
bring it to me,sir.
you analyzed me,i dig your heart.
in order to make you feel what i felt.
(you fucker for being a bystander when i buried my heart and rest it in peace)

you are captious,you sang me a cacophony.
forgiveness are easy to ask,you know?
but you never ask,you don't care at all.
you are invincible,and i tried to invigorate myself.
i obliterate you from my mind.
but the radio,they keep on singing those songs.
it reflects you.
(you fucker for left your trace everywhere,in my comfort zone)

you fucker, yet i still love you.

badly i'm in love

2009-01-24T19:15:00.001-08:00

when you got played,but your feelings drown even deeper,what would you say?
stupid or this is love?
i'd rather say jerk.

when you're too in love to let it go then what would you do?
being a fool and keep that love or let it vanish from your heart?
i'd rather let you die.

this is bad,you won't stay any longer,i knew.
but sweetheart,you already had my heart,you knew that.
when will you decide?

boy if i were you....
i will never let you down.

maukah kamu?

2009-01-24T07:08:00.001-08:00

aku melihat map bertuliskan namaku di salah satu sudut hatimu.
tertutup debu setebal tiga senti,sehingga namaku mutlak tidak bisa dibaca.
sebegitu inginkah kamu mengenyahkanku?
sampai sampai kamu membiarkan debu dan laba laba bersarang disana,
padahal map milikmu,masih kusimpan dengan rapi.
kamu keji.

aku tahu memang sulit bila otak sudah melawan hati,
ia belum juga sadar kalau rasa itu sudahlah mengabur,
tidak peduli mataku melamur karena airmata,dan omonganku mulai melantur.

terkadang kita sulit untuk menerima kenyataan,apa yang kita inginkan bukanlah apa yang kita butuhkan.
apa yang kita butuhkan tidak selalu bisa kita dapatkan.
dan apa yang ingin kita dapatkan ternyata berubah fikiran.
tidak,aku tidak menyindirmu sayang.

aku ingin kamu menepis debu itu dan meletakkan map-ku di tempat teristimewa lagi.
niscaya akan kujaga milikmu dengan sepenuh hati,sungguh aku berjanji.
pertanyaannya adalah :
maukah kamu?

karma dariku,lebih baik untukmu

2009-01-21T15:10:00.001-08:00

memang mudah rasanya berpaling dari orang yang kita sayangi,
apalagi kita tahu kalau dia jauh lebih menyayangi kita,lebih dari rasa sayang kita padanya.

lihat saja statusku sekarang,
menurun drastis dari yang paling disayang,menjadi yang terbuang.

aku jelas-jelas sudah merasakan ribuan emosi yang telah kamu kenalkan.
dari salah tingkah,malu,ingin bertemu,sayang,cemburu,takut kehilangan,sampai ditinggalkan.
rasa rasanya,aku bisa menghabiskan separuh hidupku untuk kamu permainkan,

ini jauh lebih buruk dari semua yang pernah kalian rasakan,
ini bukan sekedar ditinggalkan,tapi lebih benar jika kubilang dicampakkan.
seakan aku sampah,
seakan kamu tidak sadar akan perasaanku.
ini bahkan jauh lebih buruk dari mimpiku yang paling kekanakan,
dimana monster,hantu,hewan liar membentuk sewujud ketakutan dan gambaran orang terdekat mati satu persatu,
tidak pernahkah aku bilang,kamu selalu jadi orang pertama yang mati di mimpiku?

aku tidak ingin terdengar klise dan mengemis perhatianmu,memintamu kembali.
lagipula untuk apa aku memaksa,kalau aku sudah tahu rasamu rapuh terkikis abrasi.

mungkin benar
aku memang bodoh karena dapat kamu kelabui,
tapi kamu jauh lebih bodoh karena membuatku merasa diabaikan.

jangan khawatir sayang,kukirim balik karma-mu dengan pos pagi ini.

;(

2009-01-21T06:19:00.001-08:00

i assumed myself as stupid for letting you take me to your own venezuela.
''this is the best thing you could ever dreamt of'',you smiled and tangle my hair.
i was fooled that time.
because for me,
your smell,your words,your manner,
it means everything.

then you took me back to my own home,said you would show me another places.
i was high.
but low at the same time.
man,this is more than ordinary,
i'm afraid our bond is necessary.
you need love,and i was there.
i want love,and you were there.
we fit in the right place on the right time.
oh go ahead,i like you,then what?

my class,after two hours full of daydreaming :
a friend of mine take me back to reality,
she said something that make me unhappy,and well maybe a lil bit jealousy.

i wanna meet you,but the situation is not good for me.
i'm having pms,my life is such a big mess.
she said this is maybe the time.
she said,venezuela is not cool anymore.
i was surprised but this ain't an anger,nor a frustation feeling.
you fed me to a green monster,well maybe this is how you say goodbye.
and of course this ain't a loneliness,nor fools.
you threw me to the trashbin after fly me to the seventh heaven.
i wanna cry my heart out,but for what?
as if you will hear me.
as if you will stay.

this is worse than a nightmare,bestfriends,well they stand behind my back but still,
your lullaby is my best anesthetic.
no,it won't be worse than now.
time will erase.
God should have known,
i'm the saint and you're the sinner.

jatuh-bangkit (akankah terulang?)

2009-01-20T03:24:00.001-08:00

aku ingin mengukir namamu di balik lemari,
lalu pintunya kututup rapat dan kukunci.
tapi untuk apa?
seakan kau masih peduli saja.

rasanya kawan,seperti dicabik secara membabi buta,tiap mili kulitku dapat merasakan pedihnya.
rasanya sungguh menyedihkan,
seperti terjatuh ke lubang jebakan yang sama,
lubang yang seharusnya sudah lama disingkirkan.
aku bodoh.
aku buta dan tuli.
aku tidak bisa merasakan apa apa.
tapi aku tidak hampa.

paling tidak,sekarang aku mengerti.
tidakkah kamu sadari,aku memakai kacamata,untuk melihat kamu dengan lebih jelas.
menelanjangi sampai ke dasar hatimu,agar aku tahu bagaimana harus bersikap.

aku ingin mengukir namamu sayang,
tapi bukan lagi di balik lemari berkunci.
aku ingin menulisnya di atas pasir,
agar kapanpun aku mau,namamu bisa tersingkir.
mulai detik ini,aku tidak akan menulis nama siapapun lagi.

hitung maju,lalu mundur

2009-01-18T08:31:00.000-08:00

satu dua tiga empat.
dalam hitungan bulan
waktu yang lama bukan?

satu dua tiga empat,
orang orang heran
bagaimana aku sanggup bertahan

satu dua tiga empat
jumlah halangan
yang jujur saja sulit disingkirkan

satu dua tiga empat
dalam hitungan puluhan hari
telah habis hati disakiti

empat tiga dua satu,
sudahlah aku menyerah

it was unkool

2009-01-17T03:35:00.001-08:00

begini ya rasanya capek,sampai sampai seluruh tubuh malas bergerak?

hampir dua minggu ini saya tepar,kegiatan sekolah dan les membuat saya kehilangan jam jam santai,dan kalaupun punya,saya lebih baik menggunakannya untuk mengerjakan latihan ujian nasional ataupun SPMB.
hasil dari semua itu adalah :
sakit maag akut dan kurangnya waktu tidur.

sejak hari pertama masuk sekolah,saya langsung mengalami gejala maag,tapi dasar cuek,saya masih saja melompati jadwal makan.
setelah sesak nafas yang lumayan kool,saya langsung berinisiatif untuk makan dengan teratur.
sampai sekarang lumayanlah,maag belum sepenuhnya hilang tapi yaa lu-ma-yan.

lalu masalah kurangnya jam tidur,ini juga berkat ke-sok rajinan saya yang sering membaca buku catatan sampai larut malam,rata rata sampai pukul 1 atau 2 pagi.
satu lagi,mata saya jadi -1.

ini bentuk penyiksaan diri berupa persiapan ujian ya?

tuan biru

2009-01-14T16:55:00.001-08:00

waktu itu dia bilang pada aku,
hatinya cuma satu,dan sepenuhnya boleh kuminta.
ingat betul aku,saat itu sudah jam 1 pagi,ia duduk di hadapanku sambil bernyanyi kecil,menggoda dengan senyumnya.
aku menunduk,tak tahu harus berkata apa.
aku sadar,hatiku juga satu,dan telah ada dalam genggamnya.

tiap hari ia disana,
memandangku lewat sudut mata.
aku tahu dia ragu,
sungguh ragu tentang perasaanku,
sama seperti aku meragukannya.

tuan,aku menunggu.
menunggu ponselku meneriakkan namamu,
memuntahkan kata kata yang kau ketik untukku.
sungguh tuan aku menunggu,
menunggu kau tersenyum dan menyapaku.

kutelan rasa kecewa itu dalam dalam,
dia tidak pernah memberi harapan.

hai tuan berjaket biru,hanya di situkah keberanianmu?

ways to live forever

2009-01-11T09:35:00.001-08:00

tonight i should read my math notes,but i just came back from gramedia and buy this fantastic novel :
ways to live forever by sally nicholls.

i'm speechless,
it was so sad,and i can't stop crying till now.
my shirt is so wet cause of my tears.
the book told us about sam who had a leukimia.
he has no longer time to live,so he wrote a kind of journal which contain about what he want in this life,how's his situation,and his own feeling.
i started to cry when i read a part that explained how did his bestfriend--felix-- rest in peace.
i cried so hard until the end of the book,of course Sam didn't cured,he always wanted to see Felix,and stay in peace together.

this boy is so full with dreams,he never gave up.
he cared about his family,and he's so naive,i just can't stop adoring him.

when i closed the book,i ask God quietly :
did my mom ever think about me before she left?did she loved me enough so she let herself go?

did she ever think about not giving up from cancer?
will i leave my daughter like you did?
will i make her life as empty as mine?
will i make her cry everytime she needs a body to lean on but she can't find me?
will i meet you sooner so we can drink our coffee together and watch the rain?
can i run to your warmth?

however i love you mom,thanks for our 11years.
could you please keep your memories about our family?
i love you i love you i love you 10000000000x.

siapa yang bodoh?

2009-01-07T20:12:00.001-08:00

setelah begitu banyak tulisan tentangnya,
mereka baru bertanya,
'siapa dia?'

setelah sekian banyak hati yang kuberikan untuknya,
mereka baru bertanya :
'mengapa harus dia?'

bodohnya mereka,
kalau aku bisa memilih kepada siapa aku akan jatuh cinta,
akan kupilih yang tinggi badan,intelegensi,dan warna matanya kusuka.
182 senti meter; A+ ; dan hijau muda

nyatanya,
toh aku suka juga.

jadi siapa yang bodoh :
aku atau mereka?

berubah seperti bunglon

2009-01-05T08:09:00.000-08:00

kamu merubah hariku,
jadi berwarna setelah sekian lama kelabu

hari ini merah jambu
besok biru
besoknya lagi ungu

hari ini tersipu-sipu
besok meragu
besoknya lagi disiletnya hatiku

jaga tingkahmu sayang,
putihku adalah hitammu,
bisa saja kubuat warna mukamu,
sebiru hatiku

(kalau aku mau)

faux pas

2009-01-05T07:46:00.000-08:00

and i don't know why,
this silence irritates me like shit.

am i doing the wrong thing?
are you mad at me?
are you gonna leave me soon?
are you gonna choose her?
i need you to talk to me.

ah i think,i shoulda let you go.

api part VII

2009-01-03T08:19:00.001-08:00

tertatih aku duduk di sofa tempat biasa dia duduk.
kuhirup baunya sampai tangisku sedikit mereda.
namun beberapa detik kemudian tangis itu pecah lagi.
bau itu tidak akan ada disana selamanya,bagaimana kalau angin mengikisnya habis?
lalu apalagi yang dapat menjadi penawar rasa sakitku?

kuambil kopinya yang belum sempat diminum lalu kusiramkan ke dadaku,tempat rasa sakit itu berasal.
aku harap kopi ini dapat membasuhnya jauh jauh.
kusimpan cangkirnya di laci dalam kamarku,suatu saat nanti,saat ia kembali,cangkir itu akan kucuci bersih dan kupakai untuk menghidangkan kopi ternikmat yang pernah ada.

sampai saat itu datang,aku akan biarkan bara api ini mendingin,
dan menyimpannya di dalam cangkir itu.

api part VI

2009-01-03T08:01:00.001-08:00

dia berjalan mengambil mantel yang tadi kugantungkan.
lalu menoleh dengan wajah yang tidak akan pernah bisa aku lupakan.

''aku tidak akan membuatmu menunggu lagi sayang,sembuhkan lukamu,aku tidak akan pernah lagi datang ''

aku meminta harumnya sekali lagi,membiarkan otakku mencecap rasa itu,memakunya dalam hati.

aku tidak akan pernah membiarkan ia hilang,apapun yang ia katakan.
aku mengecup dadanya dan berusaha tersenyum tegar :
'' lihat,aku telah mencium lukamu,kamu bisa pergi dengan tenang,tak lama lagi luka itu akan sembuh,berbahagialah bersamanya''

ia tertegun.
aku melanjutkan :
'' kumohon jangan paksa aku untuk melupakan,bila suatu saat nanti kamu merasa ditinggalkan,aku akan selalu ada disini,menyiapkan kopi untukmu,lalu kita akan membayar waktu waktu bersama kita yang telah hilang..aku akan tetap disini ''

sebelum ia sempat memprotes,aku mendorongnya keluar dan menutup pintu rapat-rapat.

kupandangi langkahnya dari jendela yang berembun.
begitu ia telah menghilang,
tangisku pecah.

penyala api-ku tidak akan pernah datang lagi

api part V

2009-01-03T07:43:00.001-08:00

ia berkata,ia harus pergi.
aku tahu,ada api lain yang harus ia nyalakan,api yang sayangnya legal menjadi miliknya.
bukan api-ku yang masih nomaden.

aku tahu wanita itu,wanita rapuh yang sekali aku bantu mengambil barang di rak tinggi di swalayan.
sekilas melihat aku langsung sadar,penyala apinya adalah penyala apiku.
kami memiliki rasa hangat yang sama.

namun aku tidak pernah mengungkapkan apa yang aku ketahui pada dia.
wanita itu entah mengapa mengingatkanku pada malam malam yang kita habiskan bersama.
aku tahu saat dia berada di sampingku,wanita itu merindukannya sama rasanya seperti saat aku meringkuk di sofa kesayangannya,mencoba menjaga api yang kupunya.

'' aku tidak bisa meninggalkannya,kamu tahu itu dari awal bukan?''

kali ini aku yang membisu saat ia mencoba mematahkan argumenku.

''aku tidak mau menyakitimu lebih jauh lagi,aku tidak sanggup terus berbagi api ''

aku masih membisu,menyembunyikan bulir airmata yang terlanjur jatuh.

'' kamu tahu betapa aku ingin menjaga apimu selamanya,kamu tahu betapa aku ingin menukarnya denganmu,tapi ia rapuh sayang,ia tidak sanggup mengobati lukanya sendiri ''

tanpa sadar aku berteriak,
''lalu kamu kira aku bisa?!kamu kira aku tidak tersiksa?!akuilah sayang, hanya aku yang bisa membuatmu tertawa,ia tak lebih dari cerminan kelemahanmu--rasa tidak tegamu!!''

ia tersenyum miris lalu mengangguk,membuat hatiku makin hancur lebur.

rasa-rasanya sayang,api-ku tidak sanggup lagi menunggu

api part IV

2009-01-03T07:15:00.001-08:00

aku sadar ada yang salah.
keheningan ini terasa begitu rancu,serancu wajah kelamnya yang terasa kontras dengan ruanganku yang berdinding biru cerah.
aku mendekat minta didekap,seraya ingin meminta maaf.
namun ia membisu seperti batu.
seakan akan aku tidak ada,
ia memandangku seolah aku musuhnya.

maafkan aku,ucapku terbata,walau sumpah aku tidak tau apa salahku.
aku hanya tidak mau kehilangan dia.

ia bangkit meninggalkan kopi yang baru saja kuseduh,
kopi yang pada hari biasa tidak akan ia tinggalkan barang sedetikpun.

gelombang kepanikan menerpaku,setengah merajuk aku terus bertanya apa salahku.

ia berpaling dan menatapku dengan jarak yang sangat dekat,
kulihat api di hatiku telah berpindah ke dalam bola matanya.

api part III

2009-01-03T06:50:00.001-08:00

masih lekat betul di ingatanku tentang semua rayuan yang sudah dia keluarkan.
semua kata-kata yang keluar dari mulutnya bukan kata kata klise murahan yang mudah disemburkan para lelaki hidung belang.
itu sebabnya aku membiarkan ia menjadi pemantik abadi api dalam hatiku.

pernah suatu hari sambil membaca buku,ia melepas kacamatanya dan memandangku lekat lekat :
''kamu tahu sayang,kita adalah satu satunya yang tidak memiliki negasi''

aku mengerutkan dahiku heran,lalu bertanya dengan mataku.

ia tergelak melihat raut wajahku lalu berhenti untuk menjelaskan :
'' semua bagian dariku adalah kamu,hal itu mutlak.berarti tidak ada beberapa bagian dariku yang bukan kamu''

aku tertawa mencari celah untuk mengejeknya,berusaha menerangkan bahwa kata kata itu banyak diucapkan para buaya buaya.
tapi aku gagal.

malam ini,aku yang akan mengatakan padanya,kata kata yang mondar mandir di benakku saat ia tidak datang :
Api ini sayang,tidak akan padam,tak peduli berapa banyak badai yang menghantam.
aku akan terus bertahan

ia terdiam.

api part II

2009-01-03T06:06:00.001-08:00

mataku setengah terpejam,saat ketukan ketukan ritmis sayup sayup menghampiri pendengaran.
sedikit kesal aku bangkit,lalu memutar kenop pintu.

dia datang.
tersenyum lebar seperti santa klaus yang banyak diidamkan anak anak saat natal.
seperti pengedar obat yang datang membawa persediaan untuk masokis yang sudah tidak tahan.
ia datang seperti air hujan.

dia menepuk pipiku perlahan,lalu bertanya dengan penuh rasa perhatian :
'' kamu tidak pernah sedingin ini sayang ''

aku tersenyum dikulum sambil menepuk pipiku yang mendadak kemerahan.

dia mengerti apa yang aku rasakan tanpa harus aku berkata kata.
kerinduan ini sayang,sudah melukai hatiku,bisikku dalam fikiran,berusaha bertelepati,untuk memastikan chemistry itu masih ada.
dia mengangguk dan melantunkan kata maaf lalu duduk di sofa favoritnya.
aku duduk di sampingnya,kurasakan perlahan,api dalam hatiku telah dinyalakan.

malam ini hangat,dengan kehadirannya dan perapian,
apa lagi yang sanggup aku minta?

api part I

2009-01-03T05:35:00.001-08:00

aku berbaring meringkuk di atas sofa,
sofa kesayangannya,yang menyimpan banyak harum tubuhnya.
rasanya seperti saat malam malam dimana para pemabuk berat terlampau banyak menenggak bir,
malam malam dimana aku dan ia tertawa sembari berbagi cerita.
bagaimanapun harum tubuhnya menghasut pikiranku untuk tetap diam seribu bahasa,
tidak peduli dia telah dua minggu absen membaringkan tubuhnya di atas sofaku,dan tidak ada yang menghabiskan seluruh persediaan bubuk kopi yang aku punya.
aku menunggu,terus berbaring menunggu seperti sushi basi,aku menunggu sampai ia datang dan menyalakan perapian dalam hatiku.

hati atau logika?

2008-12-30T08:14:00.001-08:00

seharusnya saya tahu dari awal,
hati itu tidak akan pernah melebur menjadi satu,
hati saya dan hatinya.

seharusnya saya tahu dari awal,
tujuan dia dengan saya sangat berbeda,
saya mau dia,sementara dia menjadikan saya sebagai ban cadangan,
yang selalu ada di belakang,
dan tidak pernah absen saat ia butuhkan.
seharusnya saya tahu dari awal.

dua bulan bukan waktu yang cukup untuk mengenal orang bukan?
tapi tahukah dia,saya sudah bisa membacanya dalam dua bulan ini.

wajah itu sudah tidak menyunggingkan senyum malu malu seperti yang waktu itu ia sodorkan ke muka saya.
saya tahu ia sudah berhenti meminta hati saya

mata itu tak lagi memancarkan hangat yang sama,
saya tahu api itu sudah mulai mereda.

lalu sekarang dia maunya apa?

hari ini menebar pesona dengan si A,
besoknya teman saya terpikat dia,
lalu besoknya lagi,
dia kembali pada saya.
lalu saya harus bagaimana?

logika saya berkata :
dia tidak pantas

hati saya berkata :
temani dia,jangan pergi kemana mana

maka saya biarkan hati dan logika saya adu kekuatan
logika saya kalah dan pergi menguap bersama asap.

bagaimanapun juga hati tak bisa lama berkuasa,
saya lelah berusaha selalu ada sementara kamu berganti ganti wanita,
berganti subjek pesona

kawan,maukah kamu membantu saya menemukan logika?

2008-12-28T05:26:00.000-08:00

so it started when i saw you near the stair, a friend of mine teased me,you were by his side
i looked at you,you looked at me
that time i realized,you have a very lovely smile
i like you in a weird way, i wished i could meet you every single times,but we rarely met.
i talked to you for the very first time on holiday,
i lost my words,my heart can't stop beat faster,
i care about you but you don't get it

i put my trust on you

i remembered it was friday,i met you all the times,you made me blush and i can't even write it here because i really wanna keep it by myself.
i like you but that day i lied.
i left and never look back.
i don't have any brave to see into your eyes and ask for the truth.
you don't have to let me know about that.

i put my trust on you

almost two months,this feeling became stronger,well you know i knew but you decided to leave
i stunned.
once again i lied to myself,told that i will survive no matter how it hurts when i saw you make her laugh,maybe you have the same interests with her, eventhough we have it too

i put my trust on you

then once i saw you with another girl, not the same girl who used to be your crush two weeks ago
i asked my friends confusely about your relationship.
they said you're a bastard because you flirted with so many girls
they said you're an alligator.
still

i put my trust on you

i had a phone conversation with my friend last night, we talked about our planns for new year
carefully she asked me about you.
i told honestly that i love you,i really do.
she asked me whether if i will wait.
i told her ,yes i'll try,however hard it is,maybe i will.
she was there two months ago,and it makes her wandering:
what if i didn't lie
what i gave you another signs
what if i said i have a thing for you
i told her to stop babbling around,i don't need another guilty feeling.
she grumpled but then silent.
however

i will still put my trust on you

holi-study-day

2008-12-24T23:38:00.000-08:00

this holiday was sooooooooooooooooooo..........
let me say different.

i don't know how or why, i became too realistic.
that's shit.

i missed my odd imagination, my odd lebay-ness, my happy mask.
i missed all of them.

i'm not the same spoiled little brat and thats weird
i studied a lot these days, read my old notes about chemist until midnight.
turned off my cell phone so my fellas can't call or send me a message.
i asked my dad to accompany me to library@senayan.
i didn't take care of my virtual account and signed in to msn as appear offline.

i knew i'm avoiding something.
and the old me will face the situation however hard it is.
the new me can't.

thought everything will be okay if i didn't do anything, thought i will feel much better if i don't see my fellas, thought i only need my family, thought i'll not miss you that bad.

thought i'll be losing everything.

they weren't my number one priority for right now.
i desperately want this yellow jacket, which means UI, for more specific : med faculty

i need to study harder, i need to improve my knowledge, i need to walk away from all of this unimportant issues.
i need to stay calm.

however, i will call my fellas this saturday, hope they will understand.
and i'm not that anti social so i think i will still attend this new year gathering that uthie told me, i just missed so much happiness from them :(

i'm typing a mail order to buy a bag from nikicio, i asked my dad to bought me 5 of them but he's like laughing so hard, and i punched his arm.
please see their whole collection, very very yumm here

i wanna post some photos that i took this holiday but i lost my data cable, hmmm ckckkckck
anyway i'll move to a new house on january 4th, i can't wait :D

i love love itself

2008-12-14T06:25:00.000-08:00

i love the way you teased me,not because you're looking for my attention but simply because you want to.

i love the way you smiled at me when i told you that this is my lowest point.

i love the way you adored me without looks so miserable and however it makes me feel so comfortable.

i love the way you loved me,you're not saying it out loud but you showed it without any cliche words.

i love everything in you,
except the part that now you're leaving me.

saya mau kamu mau

2008-12-13T16:24:00.001-08:00

tadi malam saya hampa,
sama seperti malam malam sebelumnya.
di sekitar saya ramai seperti pasar,namun wajah saya sakit seperti ditampar.
hati saya juga.

saya ingat samar-samar,saya mencium bau kamu,
terasa nyata,sampai sampai saya merasa kamu ada di hadapan.

tahukah kawan,
tadi malam di tengah tengah pembicaraan,
tentang sushi,bahrain,ataupun bir bintang,
fikiran saya tidak bisa berhenti melayang.

saya memang tertawa,saya juga terus bermain kata,
jujur saja itu bukan jaminan,
buat hati saya untuk melupakan

malam itu saya sedikit berharap,bagaimanapun juga kamu akan menetap
di samping saya,
atau paling tidak,untuk saat ini kamu akan ada

sampai hampir tengah malam,
saat minuman telah habis dan asap rokok mulai menipis,
kamu tak kunjung datang,
saya mulai tertunduk,tak berani memasang muka menantang.

kamu tahu saya ingin tahu dimana kamu berada,
kamu tahu saya ingin tahu dengan siapa kamu menghabiskan malam bersama,
kamu tahu saya tahu lalu mengapa kamu tidak berkata apa apa?

kamu tahu saya mau kamu.

di depan Tuhan

2008-12-12T07:21:00.000-08:00

hari ini saya seperti merasakan,
indahnya berdialog dengan Tuhan

dengan kecepatan bicara saya yang diatas rata rata,entah bagaimana ia selalu mendengarkan

saya menceritakan tentang keinginan saya,mimpi saya untuk menetap di kota New york dengan keluarga,
mimpi saya untuk menjadi seorang dokter bedah plastik ternama,
mimpi saya untuk menjadi seorang ibu yang bersahaja.
Ia tidak tertawa,Ia terus menyimak saya.
lalu pada akhirnya Ia berkata,kamu pasti bisa.

saya kembali bercerita,
tentang hati saya yang sungguh sedang terluka,
'' orang ini Tuhan,yang membuat airmata saya berlinangan,yang membuat saya tak sudi menyentuh makanan,yang membuat saya kehilangan akal fikiran ''

saya menunjuk sebuah sosok tinggi yang terlihat,
Tuhan terdiam,membuat saya segan,
maka saya berhenti mengeluh.

kemudian saya kembali bertutur,tentang fikiran saya yang mudah melantur,
tentang fisika saya yang hanya tersentuh 11 dari total 30 nomer,
tentang kerinduan saya pada ibu saya,
tentang kerinduan saya pada Tuhan.

saya berjanji dengan sepenuh hati,
mulai besok saya akan rutin bercerita 5 kali sehari.

saya bukan

2008-12-11T23:19:00.001-08:00

kami wanita,memang selalu peka.
selalu tahu kapan waktu untuk bicara,kapan waktu harus berdusta.

kami wanita,memang pintar bersandiwara,bermain kata,namun hati tak sanggup angkat suara.

kamu tidak pernah tahu isi hati saya.
kamu tidak tahu dan tidak mencoba untuk mengetahui bagaimana rasanya,
ditinggalkan.
digantungkan.
diperlakukan dengan semena mena.
kamu menganggap anggukan saya berarti iya,dan gelengan kepala ini berarti tidak.
dunia tak se-klise itu,sayang.

saya bukan wanita sembarangan,
yang bisa kamu goda lalu tinggalkan.
saya juga bukan wanita gampangan,
yang saat kamu dekati,langsung bisa kamu dapatkan.

tapi tahukah kamu,saya juga punya perasaan.
jangan pernah kamu mencoba menggoda bila akhirnya akan pergi juga.
sadarkah kamu,saya juga bisa terluka?

katakan sayang,apa yang harus saya lakukan,
bila debar hati ini sudah tidak dapat berkompromi,
dengan akal dan pikiran.

lalu katakan sayang,apa yang harus saya lakukan,
bila hati ini sudah terlanjur kamu genggam namun kamu campakkan dan kamu tendang ke dekat gudang.

saya mau kamu katakan sayang,apa yang harus saya lakukan,
bila saat saya mencoba melupakan dan memulihkan,kamu sudah berada di dekat perempuan lain di depan mata kepala saya.

saya hancur,tapi berusaha bangkit.
salah seorang teman berkata :
'' bosan ku dipermainkan cintamu ''

berulang ulang ia katakan sampai saya pusing dan mabuk kepayang.
kata kata itu merasuk bagaikan asap,membuat saya tersugesti.
membuat saya terus berkata bosan ku dipermainkan cintamu.

kamu boleh pergi,sayang.
kamu sudah tidak saya butuhkan.
biarkan saya tenang dan mengambil pelajaran,
lain kali janganlah mudah dibohongi.

larilah sayang,lari yang kencang.
sampai putus nafasmu,sampai hilang bau keringatmu dari hadapan,
agar saya tahu,kali ini tidak ada lagi harapan.

jika kamu membaca ini,kamu boleh mencibir dan menertawakan,
saya akui,saat itu saya lengah sehingga mudah terjatuh dalam jebakan,
tapi lain kali sayang,saya akan membuat kamu merasakan,
perasaan yang sama namun rasanya berjuta kali lebih menyakitkan.

maki saya sayang,maki saya.
bilang saya murahan.
bilang saya bajingan.
bilang saja,perkataan kami wanita memang tidak bisa dipegang.

kalau menurut kamu semua wanita seperti itu,
dengan senang hati saya bisikkan ke telingamu sayang,

bahwa saya bukan.

broken habits

2008-12-02T19:00:00.001-08:00

when you had your heart broken into pieces,then what would you do?

are you listening to one love song over and over again?

are you keep your eyes wide open at night,wondering what is he doing there.

are you keep checking his virtual acoount and whisper confusely when he sign in.

are you faking your smile only to make people know that you're perfectly fine?

are you trying to avoid that person but when you meet him accidentally,your body turned into jelly and you wish that the floor will eat yourself?

are you crying out loud when you know there's no one watch you?

are you?

cause i am.

first day

2008-12-02T03:40:00.000-08:00

i wiped my tears for a thousand times today.

trying to look stronger than ever but badly i failed
i didn't act well today, no matter how i try to camouflage my true feeling, i can't hide the bitterness.
it appears,
in my smile,
in every words,
in every little things i did.

i wrote "HELLO" word on my left hand and "BYE" word on my right hand, i only waved my hand when i should say something to anyone.
they laughed at me.
and it shocked me enough.
even i did it on purpose to show my fvcking mood so they don't have to disturb me, they can't get my idea.
i'm still their clown who told jokes all the time.

i went back home faster than usual,
avoiding you,
avoiding people,

and i felt relax when i'm here in front of the computer watching "before sunrise" and seeing my friends signing in to their msn account.

they say 'hi'

i stared it without any guts to write back or whatsoever.

i continue to watch before sunrise,

now i'm friggingly wanna sign out,
he might sign in anytime
and i can't stand the pain to see his name in my friends list.

i am not your second choice, so you can tease and leave.
i am not your wonder girl, so you can hurt anytime you want
i am not yours,
you're not mine,

we were never meant to be

worst

2008-12-01T14:29:00.000-08:00

i put on my happy mask again after didn't wear it for almost 2 months.

i found myself got hard to breathe last night.
i found myself cried slowly when i call my friend.
i found myself felt so empty and sick because of that fucking lies and euphoria.

then i found you were walk away.

i need your reasons,i need your best answers.
i need all of you to be a part of myself.

oh i need to cry right now,bye home,i'm gonna act as a hollywood actress at school.

don't worry i'm smiling,let me cry inside my heart.

need a repair

2008-11-27T04:05:00.001-08:00

say hello to this messy-shitty-life!

i don't know,they said things like going perfectly fine for me,
in contrary,i feel so bad,wasted,empty.
i laughed a lot,but cried much more.
i enjoyed my day but cursed most of my time.

i'm fully thankful for you God,for gave me this funny family and wonderful friends.
but there's a missing part,for God's sake i dont know what it is.
just like what i talked with velly,there's an empty feeling that appeared when i'm in a crowded place.

i can say i hate it,but i can't deny that nothing's happened.

and today is my lowest point,i'm weak and sick and tired.
first problem : it will always be love love love fucking love,i'm getting more confused with my own feeling.

second prob : the person who used to be one of my best,she lost my highest respect,sorry girl but you hurted me,you know i tried to stay with you,but what have you done?

third prob : i really wanna do the packing as fast as possible,lets move dear mom and dad,i can't stand it,i hate being in this place and see what i shouldn't see,i'm scared!!!! they started to disturb me.

i guess there's still a lot of probs,but truthfully i can't tell anyone.

i hate my course's days.hate the internet.hate the crowds.hate the eat out thingy.hate the hang out schedules.

hate myself most.

Beatfest

2008-11-19T06:41:00.000-08:00

count me in,i will come.
anybody who will be there,please leave me a message,i need more peoples please.

i'm so friggin' excited man,can't wait until november 29th.

100 posts

2008-11-19T06:31:00.000-08:00

hari ini extremely beautiful hahaha,tadi ada lomba saman dalam rangka daha cup,jadi gue dan anak anak saman lain stay di sekolah buat ngurusin.
Pas lagi ngeliat perform mereka gak tau kenapa gue kangen banget pengen nari lagi,dan gue jadi mikir,kuliah ntar gue belum tentu saman lagi,dan gak mungkin bisa nari ama anak anak satu tim lagi ;(
jadi senin kemarin pas opening daha cup adalah saat terakhir saman 82 2009 perform,sedih banget nget nget.

sayangnya gue tadi ada les jadi ga bisa jaga di sekolah lebih lama.

eh iya seneng deh ini postingan ke 100 jadi oke dong curhat curhat hahaha.
Gila ngantuk banget,tadi aja sebelum tes toefl gue udah tepar duluan makanya ngerjain agak ngasal,nyesel deh ah tapi yaudah lah emang ngantuk mau diapain lagi boy.

SUPPORT DAHA CUP YA PADA DATENG CLOSINGNYA TANGGAL 22 NOVEMBER DI SENAYAN,ADA SOULVIBE,TONY Q,AMA MONDAY MATH CLASS,HTM CUMA 25RIBU ayo datang nanti kupeluk sini asik dateng ya semua.

most useful saturday night

2008-11-16T06:10:00.001-08:00

thought this sat-nite will be as ordinary as the other.
hell,it was so different.

i started my day at 8 in the morning,went to school to do my saman routine,that was so aaarrgh man,i'm fuckingly tired.
But there's still any daha cup meeting,so i can't go home.
i did chit chat with eva and i'll tell you later about our stupidity ;)
my girl next door : indri,got to attend the daha cup's convoy and she asked me to go with her so we can go back to home together.
i agreed,and while she did some fitting for belibis dancer,i went to senayan city to bought magic happens tshirt at fashion first,dita accompanied me.
we ate at soho and do our routine thing haha crap.
after that,we went to tardigras to meet our friends,
i decided to tell fiani that i'll come and so do dita,she told her friend : natasya that she also come.
you know what,we came to tardigras just to hug and chat in front of the carousel.wtf.
the event was so great eventhough rain poured.
i bought a mask there ;)

Then me and dita went back to school to make the i.d card.
so looooong and we finished at 3 in the morning.
i went back with indri,kak putra and ekky,and i slept over at indri's for only one hour,after that i walked to my home which is across indri's,hahaha.
nobody knows that i'm not in my room,and yeah it goes smoothly easy hahaha

p.s : tomorrow we'll do the saman dance at daha cup opening,please wish us luck peoples

bring back the old days

2008-10-31T09:19:00.001-07:00

you showed up everywhere.
in my virtual account,in my real life.
i tried to erase you,but the feelings are too strong.
i tried to replace you,but the heart can tell there's something wrong.
i'm done baby i'm done.
i'm sick enough,the pain and the love you gave never equal.
i'm done,very very done.
you know my heart was yours,you know i gave you all of me.
and is it wrong if afterall i want you more than anything in this world?

i asked you to be mine,you told me to leave.

i left,thats fine.

and everything still contains our memories inside :
your school's uniform,the events,tortured soul,lily allen,nutella,marlboro,those parties,corolla altis,my whole life.

today,at that event,
i missed you.
i saw peoples with the same uniform like yours,and yeah i missed you,

now

tomorrow

everyday.

6hours before schooltime

2008-10-19T10:11:00.000-07:00

nothing could stop this heartbeats,
When i say nothing,i really meant it.

i'm feeling butterflies,i'm a bit nervous,and i don't know why.

galau.

why should i?
could you tell me my dear,
Should i smile or mad.
did you or didn't you.
can we or we can't.

i'm obviously waiting for your words.

tortured soul -cancelled-

2008-10-18T09:27:00.000-07:00

TORTURED SOUL BATAL DATENG!!!
fckgly fckd!!

i've waited for a long time,it irritated me like hell.

Ayo dong para promotor,kapan bisa mampu ngedatengin john-christian urich dan teman temannya.
Jangan cuma yang itu itu aja dong.

nobody into somebody

2008-10-14T03:46:00.001-07:00

if i were invisible,
hurting me won't be able
you can't feel me
eventhough i'm down on my knee

if i were a superhero
in my worksheets won't be any zero
i'll be the teacher's loveliest
i might pass any kind of test,no less

if i were a famous singer,
i won't play a melody full of anger
no matter what they wrote in mail
i just keep go on and smile

badly i'm ordinary
i'm a girl not a toothfairy
doesn't matter what you wished for
i know i just can't afford.

hypnotizing

2008-10-08T08:57:00.001-07:00

the beauty of your world, hypnotized me.

like a saint child, i promised i'll be waiting as patient as Juliet did to Romeo

then you gone, fly to the shiny greenery sky.

i miss you, like Eve misses her Adam

how do you feel now?

the light from your eyes, hypnotized me.

like a sinner, i kissed you

feel the warmth of your lust, feel the warmth of my cold heart

it's been years i didn't touch you

now you're here

i whisper slowly :

how do you feel now?

the colours of this magical peacock, hypnotized me.

i want to blend in, i want to stay

but this peacock take me away

and badly you didn't say

anything

at all.

crying, i wonder :

how do you feel now?

Young folks

2008-10-04T08:37:00.000-07:00

Artist : Peter, Bjorn, And John
Song : Young Folks

If I told you things I did before
Told you how I used to be
Would you go along with someone like me?

If you knew my story word for word
Had all of my history
Would you go along with someone like me?

I did before and had my share
It didn't lead nowhere
I would go along with someone like you

It doesn't matter what you did
Who you were hanging with
We could stick around and see this night through

And we don't care about the young folks
Talking about the young style
And we don't care about the old folks
Talking about the old style too
And we don't care about our own folks
Talking about our own style
All we care about is talking
Talking only me and you

Usually when things has gone this far
People tend to disappear
No one would surprise me unless you do

I can tell there's something going on
Hours seem to disappear
Everyone is leaving
I'm still with you

It doesn't matter what we do
Where we are going to
We can stick around
And see this night through

And we don't care about the young folks
Talking about the young style
And we don't care about the old folks
Talking about the old style too
And we don't care about our own folks
Talking about our own style
All we care about is talking
Talking only me and you

Talking only me and you

p.s this song is for anyone oh well you,AH NOW I SOUNDS CHEESY!wtf

levi's story

2008-10-03T22:13:00.001-07:00

finally i cleaned up my room,you know since my two lovely maid went mudik,i never clean my room,i threw the dirty clothes to the floor and there's a lot of tissues here (i have a bad sinusitis and allergic)

and yeah,it's uncomfortable so i cleaned them as good as i can.

then i found something inside one of the shopping bag in my room.
i found my levi's jeans,very new and the price tag is still there.
fvcking stupid.

it costs 400rb and i never wear it at all.
Then i remembered,when i bought it,i also forget because the jeans is too ordinary and i didn't have any passion to wear that,don't get me wrong,the jeans is so good,it's from the red tab collection,it has good colour,good material,and also good cutting.
but like what i said,it just too plain..it didn't made for me.
so i totally forgot.

after two months since i bought it,i find this jeans again (still inside my shopping bag as far as i remember) and i put it on,
AND GOD,
it became smaller or me became bigger?

it hurts,i threw the medium-size-jeans-but-looks-like-small-size to the shopping bag.

until today,i try to put it on again.
wow.
i can wear it now :)
Thanks for taking those kilos God,i yove lou so much.

(actually the jeans is getting bigger now,oh wtf i can gain my weight or simply take it to the tailor)

L-O-V-E(fool)

2008-10-03T21:35:00.001-07:00

cinta itu egois,
cinta itu mencintai dan (harus) balas dicintai,
cinta itu memberi,tetapi juga meminta
cinta itu harus memiliki tanpa peduli perasaan orang lain
cinta itu terkadang mengalah,tetapi dengan penuh penyesalan dan sumpah serapah
cinta itu mengekang,dan bohong bila cinta tidak akan lekang.

cinta terasa indah pada awalnya,tapi akan sangat menyiksa pada detik detik terakhir.
cinta berarti merelakan,merelakan bila suatu saat harus terpisahkan
cinta berarti tetesan airmata yang terbuang sia-sia di tiap pertengkaran
cinta berarti persaingan,
cinta dapat menyatukan,tapi juga menghancurkan
cinta berarti menerima apa adanya,tapi juga mengubah seseorang agar sesuai dengan apa yang kita pinta

wajar bukan bila saya takut?

adakah cinta yang lain?yang berbeda?yang tulus?yang tidak menghancurkan?yang akan terus bersama?

please go on and tell me,

anyway don't lie,what i wrote is true,sometimes you must see things from the different side which is the negative part.
call me pessimistic,yes i am.

Wish wish wish

2008-09-30T09:07:00.001-07:00

i have too many wishes this year,here i'll write some that i can remember :
1. i wish i can mix the ingredients of my instant noodles and stir it as good as Indri does.
2. I wish i can remember the name of the road that i passed so i won't astray anymore.
3. buy those chelsea's merchandise for God's sake i really love the blues so bad.
4. go to the karaoke and sing out loud as soon as possible.
5. go to bali or any beach.
6. shop till drop yeah hiperbol tapi pengeeeeen.
7. A moccasin shoe,the best one please.
8. Black tights or any dark color with various pattern.
9. Sewing machine,oh plis i wish i can use it.
10. Meet my bestfriend childhood,zahra.
11. Go to bunaken
12. Eat so much ice cream and doughnut yumm.
13. Go to poke sushi with pals.
14. LULUS!
15. study well.
16. Dye my hair.
17. Lose another kilos.
18. Become a true vegetarian which means i can't eat fish and egg and milk and cheese and whatever.
19. Travel to venice
20. Go to soursally hahaha.
21. Stop to like the gayish type,which is klemar klemer lenjeh manja,ckckck whatta type i have for these 6 years.
22.find a love,the true one ;)
23. Get closer to God.
24. Be nicer to anyone
25. Be more quiet and not too lebay
26. Think seriously,not blabbering around.
27. TALLER!!!!
28. Increase my math and physics mark.
29. Meet ethan white and tell him that he's wonderful,also john christian urich.
30. Watch tortured soul!!!
31. Hit some parties,i miss it honestly.
32. champagne champagne champagne
33. Dance zapin and saman for the last time.
34. Make one accessories by myself.
35. Buy blackberry aaaaaarrrrggggh.
35. Make my hair grow longer faster.
36. Buy an ipod touch.
37. Learn to play guitar.
38. Buy those hippie tops.
39. Buy a blazer and a man shirt and man t-shirt,i love their stuffs.
40. Wear make up properly.
41. Wear smokey eyes ya ya ya.
42. Buy a white ankle boots rrawwwr.
43. Meet lily allen and daisy lowe and mariana renata and zooey deschanel hehehe
44. Wisata kuliner
45. Keterima di UI

that's some that i could hardly remember,still too many wishes and i'll write it down later.

anyway ada yang mau membantu saya mewujudkan wishes itu?

family time

2008-09-30T05:08:00.001-07:00

so today is the last day,goodbye ramadhan ;(
last night i did sahur with my step sister,actually i didn't hungry at all,but when my stepsis woke me up,i'm still awake so i accompany her and end my late night call.
we did chit chat and talk about this Ramadhan..we both felt that this month didn't really make sense at all-well maybe a bit- and we start to ask same question :
''kiamat udah bener bener deket ya?''

i end the conversation in hurry because honestly i'm scared.not because the question nor the answer.
i'm scared to watch how time move on fastly.
i'm scared to be separate from anyone i love by time.
i'm scared if i can't do everything that i want,because i have no unlimited time.

when i washed my dishes,i think about it.go on and go on.
i smiled a little when my stepsis talk to me,but however my mind wandering around.

why can't i stop the time?

i almost picked my cell phone and call my fairy Godmother (this one is the real one,not my apple martini fairy) but then my brother who slept in my room make me laugh.
he said something weird and i realize that he's dreaming hahaha whatta weird dream because he's kept calling 'stefany,stefany'
i laughed loudly and tell my stepsis,so we both laughed together,
well brothers,stepsis,we really had so much fun lately,i yove lou so much ;)

i wish my relationship with my daddy could be better.
i had another fight (again) and this is my lowest point,
i cried all day long and didn't want to talk at all to my dad.
i'm tired yah,so tired,i'm not your fucking robot,i have my own decision,you don't have a fucking gut to make me feel like this.
i want my own life!

i don't know,your words hurted me like hell,i can't forgive you that fast,sorry.

eniwei my stepmom did so good,she's kind to me and try to get to know my feeling when i had a fight with ayah.
and lately she turned to be so lebay hahaha..last night,me,stepmom,stepsis and my brother went to sari ratu to have dinner.
Badly,the food has run out so we go to blok M plaza and eat at platinum..when we already in the car,my stepsis turn on the machine,but my stepmom yelled like this :
''kamu tuh gimana sih,udah les mobil juga nyalainnya masih kayak gt,dengerin tuh bunyinya aneh''

my stepsis asked her :
''emang apa bedanya sih bu?''

''nih kayak gini nih'' my stepmom turned on the machine and we hear it patiently.

and you know what,there's no difference at all.

we all laughed but my stepmom still keukeh hahaha astaga astaga.

ah tomorrow i must wake up earlier to do my ied pray at depok zz.

you ruined my day with your attitude

2008-09-27T10:59:00.001-07:00

oke fine.
you left me.
after waited for a bit long yaa,ckckck is it a sign that you are a bastard just like another?
i don't know,will i stand for it,or will i runaway,
Pals,you know i'm trying to change my moody attitude,you know i'm trying so hard,but can you see this?

somebody told me to do a boy like you train a dog.
give 'em bones when they act so good,show them that you're the big boss,
Don't be so easy,be flirty at first,and gone after that.

and i did.
flirty enough today so i won't say anything to him tomorrow (padahal gue sebenernya udah males capek ati hahaha)

we'll see.
but i think it'll be the most kandas taun ini deh

just kiss yourself and move on,you can be strong,you can be strong,sigh.

bete bete maksimum

2008-09-27T10:35:00.001-07:00

gila yaaaaaaaaa ngobrolnya basi deh kok terkesan gue yang bawel sendiriii

kok lo cool cool aja deh?
jangan gitu dooong ntar gue ga suka lagi

ah bete abis gila ya udah jam setengah satu masih aja baseee gue ditinggal lagi ckckckck kalo bukan gara gara diva nih gue udah ganti deh.
ogah juga gue disuruh traktir dia selama sebulan penuh di luar cih mending gue lama lamain ngegebetnya zzz abissss

AH BURUANNNNNN DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

i didn't regret the promise,but i'm pretty scared it won't go easy for us (especially for me)

2008-09-27T02:44:00.000-07:00

the promise i promised you is the thing that i never promised to anyone.

you can ask them if you don't believe my words.

you're the first and the luckiest to hear that.

the promise that i promised you is something that i really avoid.

to committed to one person.
to stayed in love with one person.
to fight for this story we'll make.

i wonder :
will it end happily?

rapoooorrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaawwwwrrrr

2008-09-23T18:47:00.000-07:00

detik detik menjelang pengambilan rapot ya ya ya...
sedih gue mau ketemu si martinah ckckck
kemaren udah bertukar nasib ama gembul, tapi gue sih santa orang gue cewek jadi mana ngeh dia kalo gue muridnya hahhahaha paling zonk sih ade :D

tadi malem habis dari fx ama uthie dan eno wawawawaw si uthie ngebet abis ngeliat cast-nya laskar pelangi hahahahah foto bareng gakjadi deh ya thie...

ckckcckckck....ayah cepetan doooong mandinyaaaaaaaaaaaaa

the sheeps,the clock,and the heartbeat.

2008-09-21T10:38:00.001-07:00

tik tok tik tok tik tok...

i looked at the clock and curse,wish i could press the fast forward button.

now i'm counting on the sheeps,and they fvckingly freaked me out eventhough it's only my imagination.

i hate being alone in an empty place.
i hate being left behind.
i hate having a bad insomnia.

wednesday won't come fastly,nor the end of holiday.

i don't know why,i hate holiday this time.
i'm scared everything'll not be stay the same.
i'm scared i'll lose my good feeling....

on you.

stay close don't go,i whispered softly for many times today.
when i woke up,
when i did my internet thingy,
when i went to plaza senayan with my step mom and step sister,
when i ate my crispy roll and drink my ocha-macha,oh wtf i can't remember the name,
when i put the cherry inside my mouth and stir it slowly,
when i'm on my way back to home,
when i counted on my sheeps.

stay close don't go.

will you?

or maybe,
will i?

i wanna see how long my feeling will be for you,
i couldn't ask for more,i knew my capacity.
i can't promise i won't be get bored of you,
oh i hate it i hate it i hate it.

i hate this traumatic of being in a relationship.
i hate myself for being so selfish spoiled bitch.

oh my sheeps,can you keep this heartbeat for a little bit longer?

i yiss mou.

best addiction

2008-09-19T23:04:00.000-07:00

which one is better :
LOVE
or
CHOCOLATE

both will make us go ow ow i guess hahaahhaa

1. chocolate

it contains Phenylethylamine so usually we felt happy after we eat that.
some people thought that it has the same feeling like when we fall in love.
so they said that eat chocolate is way much better than falling in love

actually nobody can resist chocolate, i mean come on this is chocolate, i really can grab it without feeling so sad at all (except the part of thinking "how's with my diet")
and it won't hurt like love.

honestly i'd rather eat chocolate than being a lesbian ;)

2. love

so did you ever felt so worry about anyone without you know the reason?
did you realized when your heart start to beat so fast when you're near with someone that catch your attention lately?

well maybe you're in love..

it will hurt, you know that.
but you just can't stop right?

it's addictive just like chocolate,
when you worrying about your diet in 'chocolate-case'
then you will worry about your own feeling here..

maybe you scared to lose this person.
maybe you didn't want to get hurt.
maybe you didn't want to be left behind.

the feeling that you won't feel if you choose chocolate

and let me say that it's different.

i don't like being in a relationship,its true.
but i can't avoid to be fall in love.

nobody could.

its like a magnet, its like a destiny that you can't resist.
it's like.....heaven.

no matter what they said about love, you just can't stop falling

because yes love does exist..

now it's all your choice,

LOVE or CHOCOLATE?

p.s : me prefer love for now hihihihihi

strawberry swing

Parade

Sudah

can we stay 'a glance' ?

and i wish *fingercrossed* the ice will melt, sooner or later

secret heart

setelah dua tahun, aku baru bisa menyadari ini

she's going to

boleh aku berputar?

before you go

rejection

thanks

my mouth can't say, my heart will

diam yang bukan emas

don't tell me to stop

The road it winds, it twists, it turns, oh my stomach burns

i wish i didn't wish anything

this heart is a stone

erasure

hate is a strong word

ironic

i started and you have to write the ending

seharusnya

aduh bodoh

tell him this is what i want

apa lagi?

apotheosis

will you?

how we used to be

i quit

not an obiterdictum

ya ya ya

i'll give you million chances

kurang seperempat

cepat sembuh ya sayang

boleh dong aku minta begini

sama sama beda

?

pertama kedua ketiga

bye.

alasan

i yiss mou

hambar

captured

reluctance

boleh ya?

kalau begini terus,lama lama....

journalist ;(

my inobservance,bring your amnesty

it's you

trust

letter i kept in mind silently

badly i'm in love

maukah kamu?

karma dariku,lebih baik untukmu

;(

jatuh-bangkit (akankah terulang?)

hitung maju,lalu mundur

it was unkool

tuan biru

ways to live forever

siapa yang bodoh?

berubah seperti bunglon

faux pas

api part VII

api part VI

api part V

api part IV

api part III

api part II

api part I

hati atau logika?

holi-study-day

i love love itself

saya mau kamu mau

di depan Tuhan

saya bukan

broken habits

first day

worst

and i wish fingercrossed the ice will melt, sooner or later